"Happy Friday!"
Last night I had gone onto Facebook to check my messages and noticed there was a message from someone who admitted they had started to drink again. For some reason it really hit me hard to know that this happen to someone,...again! It hit me hard maybe because I fear that it could happen to me...I am not bullet proof! It hit me hard, maybe because it has happened to people I have sponsored...they ended up dead! It hit me hard, maybe because I really do not understand why it happens in the first place...it just happens?
When I was drinking I never thought of quitting. When I was drinking I never thought it was a problem. When I was drinking I never thought it affected anyone. When I was drinking the disease was the master and I obeyed. When I was drinking I was willing to walk to a bar, a store, lie about my age and use others to get my next drink. When I was drinking I was willing to do anything for myself as long as it benefited me. When I was drinking I was willing to blame, manipulate, deny, cover up, rationalize and justify why I needed to drink the way I did. When I was drinking I always relapsed!
So, does it just happen?...I say NO! Relapse to me means doing everything I said above but without the drug or drink. Relapse means to me never stopping in the first place. Relapse happens before the drug or drink is consumed or abused...again. Relapse to me is the calm before the storm! Relapse to me means white knuckling it with a smile on my face. Relapse to me means telling someone I am fine when really I am dying inside. Relapse to me is people pleasing others and not myself. Relapse to me means going to meetings and not listening to suggestions and just going through the motions. Relapse to me means not allowing myself to become willing to accept all I need to do in order to stay sober. Relapse to me means going to a meeting with the wrong motive, for example...to pick up an opposite sex in order to distract myself from me and what I really need to deal with. Relapse to me is being codependent on meetings, toxic people, places and things without learning how to cope independently. Relapse to me means finding happiness in other addictions rather it is shopping, eating, sex, gambling, people and any other addiction in order not to deal with me. Relapse to me is still being around the same toxic crowd of people or family members and thinking it is alright. Relapse to me is denying your true feelings on things just to keep the peace. Relapse to me is isolation from everyone and everything. Relapse to me is a dry drunk. Relapse to me is acting as if I have all the answers and always being one up on you. Relapse to me is feeling lonely and not asking for help. Most importantly, relapse to me means never getting professional help for molestation, sexual abuse, physical abuse or any other post traumatic stress you had encountered or experienced in your life time. Relapse to me means all of these things I needed to deal with in order for me not to relapse. I do not want to relapse! I want to live!
On the other hand, relapse to me is not failure, weakness, quilt or shame. Sometimes it does happen, but the most important thing in the matter is getting it better,...again. Learning from it, growing from it, changing from it and accepting it in order to move on. Relapse can be hard but it can be overcome with the right motives, willingness and hard work in being the best you can be. Relapse can be a gift. Heck, sometimes it is a Godsend without even knowing it..."Spiritual Awakening" as for what I call it!
Today, in order for me not to relapse I must be aware of all these things in my life on a daily basis. It seems like a lot but it is not when I see myself today and say, "Wow!, I am really proud of me today! However, some days I am not so proud of myself,...but I still know that my sobriety today is worth everything. I had to really see all those things clearly and become willing to deal with it and still have to deal with it in order to stay sober. I am sober today!
Have you relapsed? Are you about to relapse and do not even realize it? If you are not sure, I hope my blog helped you realize areas in your recovery that need tender loving care in order not to relapse. Today I will run knowing I must always be aware of my surroundings in order to avoid a relapse!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.sobrietyfitness.com.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://www.sobrietyfitness.com.
