"Happy Friday!"
When I drank I blamed. When I drank I was not accountable for any of my actions, reactions or misbehavior. When I drank I would rationalize my behavior. When I drank I would manipulate any situation in order to allow blame to rescue me from the real me. When I drank I blamed!
The outcome of my strategy to blame only hurt me more. The outcome of me blaming only allowed me to continue to abuse myself mentally, physically and spiritually. The outcome of me blaming people, places and things allowed me to continue to deny my really problems, issues and character defects. I would tell others who thought I drank too much that I could control it...only with white knuckles. I would tell others that the reason why I drink so much or got drunk was because of what you said to me, did to me or how you treated me,...only to avoid my own responsibilities in the matter. I would tell others that I like to drink and I have fun when I do,...only to find myself hating me when I awoke the next morning. I would tell others that I do not drink like that person,...I never did that, I always paid my bills, went to work and I never went to jail or had trouble with the law,...only to find myself in trouble with everyone else in my life. I would always tell people that my drinking is not a problem and that they had the problems or issues for always riding on my back,...only to find my problem caused me the problems, arguments, lack of trust with others and living in the guilt I had accumulated over the years. I would rationalize, manipulate and lie to others of why I drank the way I did or still did if I was trying to control it for awhile only to find myself drunk again,...I blamed to avoid the real truth about myself!
I would blame everyone for why I was feeling the way I do,...I blamed! I would blame everyone for why I did what I did,...I blamed! I would blame my life on how I was treated as a child, as a friend, in a relationship, as a teen and even as an adult,...but made others feel guilty of it. I blamed because of fear in knowing what others would think of me. I blamed in order to feel better about what I chose to do or decided to do in my life. I blamed because it was easier to deal with. I blamed!
When I became sober I needed to work on a lot of things in my life. Actually, so many things that at times I still wanted to blame because the pain of looking at my true self was too great. I needed to write things down and when I did I only focused on me, myself and I. This was very difficult! I was so comfortable and safe with the blaming technique that for me to release this was very agonizing. I realized how much I used "blame" as a crutch in order to get by. Eventually, little by little I was able to chisel at that wall of blame that was wrapped around me. The wall was gone and I was able to live outside of it. I was able to talk to others by say,..."I" instead of "You" and know I was being responsible for my actions. I was able to look in the mirror again and really see me instead of avoiding mirrors. I was able to see what I wanted, needed and willing to change about myself in order to not blame. I was able to work on me and not on others in order for me not to avoid me. I was able to be true to myself. I was able to allow myself to be willing to be honest, open, accountable and responsible with myself as well as with others. I no longer found the need to blame!
Today, I can still, at times, find myself trying to blame but know that I must make amends. I know the difference today when blame creeps up in order to avoid whatever it is I am trying to avoid. I must always be grateful in knowing the difference. The difference is what keeps me from blaming!
Do you struggle with blame? On the other hand, maybe someone blames you for their actions, choices or way of life,...take care in knowing...you did not cause it, you can not cure it and certainly you can not control it. I hope my blog post can help you realize what and how blame affected me and others that where affected by my use of blame.
Today, I will run with no desire to blame another for I hate to make amends and really hate how it makes me feel! I will run blame free!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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