"Happy Friday!"
I was always sad growing up, but I never dealt with it. I do not know why I always seemed sad, I just did! Perhaps, I felt left out in conversation as a child, as a teen and even as an adult. Perhaps, I felt sad because I was not as smart as other kids I went to school with or made fun of me, if I got the answer wrong in class and mostly because I struggled with reading. Perhaps, I felt sad because my mind was always racing and it was hard for me to concentrate, stay focused and had a hard time completing any lengthy tasks. Perhaps, I was sad because I just was.
Growing up, I always wanted to know why or how I could deal with my sadness better but I never figured it out until I started drinking. When I took that first drink, all of my worries, sadness, anxiety, unsecured feelings, and low self-esteem views of me seemed to disappear. I thought to myself, “Wow! I had instant gratification! When I drank, I had liquid courage to say what I wanted to say without fear, worry or uncertainties. When I drank, I felt good and never sad, depressed or discontent! When I drank, I was free!
Years went by and I had noticed as my drinking progressed into a problem, all those things I thought I felt free from seemed to still be there with me and even worse. I needed to get rid of those feeling so I drank more. Why did I continue to drink? Because when I drank, I thought it would erase my discontent, sad, and unmanageable life I was living. By doing the insanity dance of drinking, I was only making myself sadder!
I became sober and with that, I knew I was going to have to deal with my sadness head on. I could not deny it, fear it and replace it with other things. I would journal a lot about my sadness, sought outside therapy for it and learned how to cope with it whenever I began to feel sad. I struggle sometimes with it but the difference is I do not have to drink over it and I know I have many tools to use today in order to deal with it head on. I no longer fear my sadness, no longer run from my sadness and have no need to self medicate over my sadness! With my sadness comes my gratitude! I will always look for the message in order to see the gratitude in any situation.
How did I deal with my sadness? How did I rid my sadness? How did I face my sadness? I stopped drinking! I became willing to see more positive than negative in my life! I stopped hiding behind the bottle! I started to climb that mountain and deal with me! I stopped denying my sadness! I started to become more mindful and aware of my sadness! I stopped fearing my sadness! I started to become courageous with my fear of sadness and allowed myself to cry when I needed too without shame or guilt! I stopped living as a victim of my sadness! I started to see the gratitude in my life. When I allowed gratitude in my heart, my sadness began to stop! With my sadness comes my gratitude! I will always look for the message in order to see the gratitude in any situation. My sadness gives me the opportunity to have gratitude in my life!
In conclusion, even though I have been sober for over 18 years, learned how to deal and cope with my sadness, I will feel my sadness today! Today I will have to endure another death of a friend whose life had many blessings in so many ways yet darkened by it through alcoholism and bipolar disorder. My friend tried treatment, tried to understand things in her life, tried to face her demons, tried to regroup and tried to do better. She tried but alcoholism won? Her diabetes won? Her bipolar disorder won? Who knows what won! I rather spend my time looking to her as love! I am sad but I am also grateful to have known her, had her in my life, and had my message heard by her even if it did not change things in her life. I have gratitude knowing I am still here in my kid’s life, my life and everyone else who is in my life. I have gratitude knowing that she would encourage me to carry my message and that she always said she was proud of me but never knew how I did it when staying sober. She always said I was amazing to her! She touched my life in ways she will never know and maybe perhaps she does now! I have so much gratitude in my friend’s sad death that I want to thank her for it. Lastly, my friend brought sunshine into a room with her beautiful smile, her lovely personality and her never-ending love for people in her life. I want to remember her in this way and not her in the diseased way. I choose to remember her from her positive and loving side! Even though she is gone, I will always have her memories in my heart and know that she has given me more gratitude in my recovery today! Thank you Jan, I love you!
Today I will take a long run and think about all I am grateful for in my life. I will pray for those still struggling with their sadness and hope that my message today will touch a part of them that has never been touched. Sadness is a part of life, it is up to us on how we deal with it and see it in a new lite! Jan, you were my lite!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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