Written By: Cathy Shuba
"Happy Monday!"
When growing up I sometimes witness my teachers at school yelling at other kids or even at me. I thought they were crazy! When growing up whenever my mom or dad yelled I would not say a word and it even frightened me. I sometimes thought they were crazy! When growing up and going to some family parties I saw my uncles fight and yell over a card game. I thought they were crazy! Lastly, when growing up and seeing a family member drunk or acting out of hand over certain things it was disturbing to me. I thought they were crazy!
As a teen I experienced many changes with me and with things around me. When I experienced change that I had no control over I acted irrational and simply out of control. I was crazy! I began drinking at the age of thirteen and my crazy ways of thinking, acting and treating others began as well! However, I realized that people in my life who did not drink or drug acted crazy too, especially when and after or even before I would drink, become intoxicated or blacked out. I guess we all have the potential to act crazy! Now, I am not saying we are literally crazy or that I am literally crazy I am just using that word out of pure expression.
I chose to get sober and work on not acting so crazy all the time. In other words, my crazy ways included control, irrational behavior, jealousy, rage, projecting on the future, judging others, complicating a conversation or situation, adding more drama or chaos to whatever was going on. Oh, the list of my craziness could go on and on. Can you relate? Have you ever experience these ways?
How did I break myself from these crazy ways? I got help, I wanted help, I needed help and the most important aspect of all of this was that I was willing to do anything in order to stop living this way. On the other hand, do not get me wrong, even though I have been in recovery for a long time, does not mean I do not have crazy moments,...believe me I do! So what do I do when I find myself going down the crazy road? I HALT! I regroup and have gratitude knowing I can recognize how I am acting and thinking at the present moment. I have also realized when I would act in such a way CONTROL was the obstacle I needed to look at, deal with and figure out why control was controlling me. I needed to ask myself what my need in controlling whatever I felt I needed to control that was leading me act crazy. I was really out of control. When I would figure it out with the help of my journal and others in recovery, I was able to understand and accept me more. Forgive me and others I have hurt. Know me more which gave me the gift of love, respect and self acceptance of my faults. The gifts I endured from my crazy behavior was two fold! Some may agree with me on this and others may think I am still crazy!,...LOL! That's alright, whatever works for you. My message today is for us to realize that there are many gifts in life regardless of how we may be behaving. That is if we are willing to see the positive message, learn from the message and take the message with us in order to better our recovery! We all make mistakes, but what we do with those mistakes is what gives us the life we live today!
Have you been feeling or acting crazy lately? Try looking at what you are trying to control at which you have no control over and just maybe you will figure out that acceptance is what you really need to do! God, knows I have been there and done that but when I became willing to see it for what it was I was much better off for me and with others I live with!
Today, I will walk knowing how far I have come when feeling that crazy feeling. Ironically, I am grateful for my awareness of those feelings because without those feelings I would not be the person I am today in recovery,...Love!
