"Happy Wednesday!"
When I drank I never thought much about people on the other side. When I drank the people on the other side were not engaged in the activities as much as I was. When I drank I never cared or worried about the people on the other side. When I drank I was never on the other side. When I drank I never considered the people on the other side. When I drank my empathy, concern and thought of the people on the other side was never present, never cared about and never worried about. When I drank the people on the other side were the people who had to endure all of my crap, irresponsible ways, unaccountable ways, blaming ways, rationalizing ways, who cares...ways and mostly my self centered, self absorbed, all about me syndrome of distorted thinking ways. I was never on the other side,...until I became sober!
Yesterday, I stumbled upon a post in one of the recovery groups I belong too. The post was about death caused by living with an alcoholic or addict. I thought to myself,...what? Am I reading this right? This could not be possible! Is this another way for the one's living with our disease to blame us again for their misery? I mean I really could not understand this, comprehend this and mostly digest this. I have never heard anyone from the other side of our disease to die from the affects of our disease. Have you? The only time I heard about this is when a drunk driver caused a death! Yes, then I do agree with this! Maybe I am going to open this up as a discussion in my group. Maybe I need to be more mindful of the other side? Maybe I need to be more aware of the possibility. Maybe I need to research this. Maybe I need to ask the people on the other side that were actually affected by such a thing. Maybe I should just HALT! Maybe I should just wait for the message! I will be grateful today knowing no one died over my using and abusing days.
I thought about this a lot yesterday when I was working and BLAME and CHOICES still kept coming to my mind! I can not help it,...it just kept coming and coming to my mind no matter how I tried to dissect it and figure out how this could actually be the cause of one's death. I mean would a autopsy say,..."Death caused by her husband's or wife's or family members alcoholism or drug use?" I do not think so! Yet, I kept an open mind,...since you know us alcoholics and addicts never want to be the main problem or reason to anything. I guess that is all I can do at this time. Keep an open mind!? On the other hand, I have heard of people having stressful jobs when it caused them to have a massive heart attack,...result, stress,...caused by the job? Blame and choices! I have heard of people worrying themselves sick,...result, depression and anxiety,...caused by how someone who you live with? Blame and choices! Do you see where I am coming from with all this? Lastly, I have never heard that the alcoholic or addict will eventually kill you if you continue to live with them. I have never heard that! There's a first time for everything...
This morning I awoke to acknowledge that "YES",...with all of my days drinking I caused worry, stress, disappointment and anger for many people who were affected by my drinking. I am sure the list could be longer! Anyways, they never died because of me but carried their own character defects as well. For instance, a friend of mine was raised by alcoholic parents and could have gone to Al-Anon to get "real" help for all she was affected by, but CHOSE not too. My friend also suffers from depression and anxiety, which as a result, causes a lot of stress in her life. She was born with an anxiety disorder, but when she was affected by her parents alcohol abuse it just intensified her discomfort with this sort of disorder. I am sure when we were growing up and being around me brought back horrible memories, not to mention more stress. I still feel that Al-Anon would have helped her in this area, again she CHOSE not to go. Still CHOOSES not to go, today! Another friend of mine struggles with her weight, complains about her weight...yet does not modify her diet, watch her diet or tries to learn how to loose the weight and stay healthy. Did I mention she has very high cholesterol and high blood pressure? A heart attack waiting to be happen! I pray for her and care about her but I am not responsible for what she CHOOSES to do in her life! She CHOOSES to live this way!
In conclusion, I find it very hard to see the direct result of death brought on by an alcoholic or addict. I know a lot will disagree with me and then again maybe not! Maybe a lot of you will read my post today and say the same things I said to myself! Maybe some will think this is a crazy notion! Maybe some will be mad at me because they feel their love one died by the affects of living with an alcoholic or addict. I just do not agree with it, see it or know how to rationalize or make sense of such a thing. I have never heard of someone dying from the other side,...until yesterday! Lastly, I feel that people have CHOICES in their life today. It is not my responsibility to make the CHOICE for them. I am only responsible for me and my children's well being! They must make their own! I can make suggestions as to what I know, what I have experienced and what has worked for me,...and that is it! If they choose not to get help,...same as for the addict,...so be it! If they choose not to care for their health,...same as the addict,...so be it! If they choose to not seek assistance for their depression/anxiety,...same as the addict,...so be it! It is all about CHOICES!
Have you ever experienced this? If so, I would love to hear your story and help me understand it more from the other side. Today, I will run knowing I was never responsible for someone's death caused by my alcoholism.
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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