Diet & Weight Magazine

Pain: Am I About to Relapse?

By Sobrfit3
Written By:  Cathy Shuba
"Happy Thursday!"
Wow!  This is probably the latest blog post I have written!  I thought I would write about this because so many I know, did know and had known relapsed either before the Holidays or after the Holidays!  Am I about to relapse?  No!  Are you about to relapse?  That is the question you must ask yourself!
When I drank the Holidays were a big trigger for me, even over any emotional happening or disturbing situation I had to deal with.  So why the Holidays?  What is the biggest deal or reasons why one will over exceed alcohol, drugs, food, spending and everything else that we may have an addiction to overtake us?  Why does it become such a problem around the Holidays?  Does anyone out there know why?  Can anyone message or comment after this blog post to let me know why it was troubling for you, if it still is or whatever the Holidays do for you,...I am truly curious to know your experience!  Share your almost relapse or perhaps relapse.
I just drank more around the holidays because everyone else seemed too and it just seemed so much more festive to do.  I was stressed more, but I dealt with it by saying...I loved the Holidays,...especially getting drunk!  I wanted to be included, not abandoned so I dealt with it by saying...I loved the Holidays, especially around tons of people at a party, getting drunk!  I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin so I had to get drunk in order to do the simplest things, so I would say...I loved looking at the Holiday lights,...when I was drunk!  I once was a drunk on the Holidays!  Did anyone feel this way?  Do you still feel this way?
Today I have been sober for over 18years and still, I am aware that the Holidays were once a trigger to me and now are a blessing.  A blessing because I am aware, mindful and hold true to my number one priority,...sobriety!  I remember the unsettling feeling in my stomach when I first became sober and the thought of the Holidays approaching almost paralyzed me!  Why?  I feared drinking again,...I went to two meetings a day!  I was angry and resentful of my friends that were able to have a few drinks and call it a night,...I prayed more!  I hated the Holidays when I once loved them,...I surrendered and asked for help!  I did not want to relapse,...I was willing to do anything in order to stay sober!  I had to be willing but mostly do the work that came with it in order to stay sober!  I did not and do not want to relapse!  I want to deal!
When do you know you are about to relapse?  You don't!  You just do it!  You simply do not think about it you just act on it!  Now, do not get me wrong there is a tremendous amount of thought that goes on in your head way before you actually act on the relapse.  For instance, you stop going to meetings, get to cocky, get to much of everything, deny what you need and do not need.  Rationalize every behavior, become unaccountable, irresponsible and the list can go on.  Even dry drunks eventually relapse!  For example, do you know some people are actually on the verge of relapse but are in total denial of it before it actually happens?  Like when you become involved in a thirteenth step situation.  Ever heard of that?  That is a whole blog post in itself, believe me!  Anyways, when you sponsor someone to early in your own sobriety.  When you think you can save everyone that comes into a meeting or has a problem.  These individuals are what you call "to involved" in others, which allows them to take the focus off of themselves,...period!  I am sure there are many more scenarios, but these are the one's I experienced the most when working with others.
What causes so many to relapse around the Holidays or anytime, as well?  I have not relapsed but I have been and have known people who did, so I can only share my experience with others on this topic.  Please feel free to comment on this blog post if you can shed any light to another on what you experienced during or before your relapse.  Moreover, in my experience, when working with others, was the death of a loved one,...that was number one!  The unresolved anger and resentment one chooses not to fight through, see the truth in themselves and deny where they are spiritually and mentally!  Refuses to look in the mirror!  Loneliness accompanied by abandonment issues that stem from childhood and lasted with them into adulthood.  The guilt that comes when feeling or thinking or better yet, WANTING to use again in order to avoid that sick feeling of GUILT!  Sounds like an insanity dance to me!  The constant hidden or not seen addiction to ATTENTION!  You ask, What?...ATTENTION!  Yes, then we have the habitual individuals that purposely claim they are about to relapse or actually keep relapsing because they are in LOVE with the attention and pity they get from others!  Yes, this is true,...I have seen many like this, sponsored them and even still see the same one's coming in and out of the meetings until someone wises up and says,..."Alright!, enough...either you sh** and get off the pot or take it somewhere else!"  Excuse my language but really, no one can SAVE or FIX anyone, they have to WANT IT!  Unless of course you live in denial and think you can,...I will pray for you because I am not the one who will nail you to a cross in trying!  Relapse happens because it is the result of unresolved pain!  All addicts run from pain!  I despised pain and would take anything to numb it!  Ask any addict and they will tell you,...that is if they are truthful and not still in their blame game.
I hope you are not about to relapse!  I hope you find your way out!  I hope you reach out!  I hope you do not isolate, feel sorry for yourself and just give up to the same insanity you have been living with for so long!  I hope you know you have choices and your choice will be the end result!  No one can save you but yourself, the answers to all your pain, resentment, fear, anger, guilt and many more things that give you pain are all found within yourself.  Find the courage not to relapse!  Find the courage to allow yourself to feel your pain!  Find the courage to cry your pain out!  Find the courage to be willing enough!  Find the courage to choose not to relapse!  Many Blessings!  You can do it!
Tonight I chose to pray for those who still deny or chose not to fight through their pain and that one day they will surrender to it! Creative Commons License 
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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