Written by: Cathy Shuba
In my life, I have experienced secrets, having secrets and telling others not to tell. Have you ever experienced this? In my life, I kept secrets to hide my shame, fear, guilt and insecurities just to feel safe. This hurt my spirit, mentality and physical appearance with others. In my life, I have told others not to tell and keep secrets from one’s I did not want them to know what I said or how I truly felt about them. This made me not like myself, loose respect for myself and mostly kept me from being a better person. I have experienced all of this with and without alcohol and drugs. Yes, with and without recovery. Do you keep secrets, like this? I do understand we all keep secrets to some certain point but this is not what my article is about. My article is about secrets that keep you sick and turn your life into a complete chaos.
What were my secrets? When I drank I lied, I manipulated in order to get my way. I knew what I was doing but I was not willing to admit to it and kept it as a secret. When I drank, I would rationalize my behavior, blame others of why I did what I did and made others feel guilty because of their pressure and stress they put on me. I still knew what I was doing but was not willing to admit it and kept it as a secret. When I drank, I would talk about people only because I was insecure, jealous and had no self-confidence or needed a way to make myself feel better or superior of another. I would tell others not to tell and that it is between you and me. I knew what I was doing but I was not willing to admit to it and kept it as a secret. My secrets were a way to help me feel safe. I was not safe, rather in danger of not allowing myself to be true.
Why did I do these things? At first, I learned that it was all I knew, all I was taught and knew how in order to protect myself from the real truth of me, others or the issues I refused to face in my life. I thought it made me feel safe but in reality made me feel bad inside. It kept me in denial of my own secrets, which kept me from really knowing and loving me. Secrets kept me in denial.
Why did I keep doing these things? When I drank, I was in the insanity dance and was not willing to get off the dance floor until I became sick in tired of being sick in tired of the same dance moves. When I became sober, I also continued to do the insanity dance and realized just because I was sober meant nothing if I was not willing to change emotionally, spiritually or mentally. I learned that until I saw the insanity dance I was engaging in—only then made me willing enough to become AWARE of my own behavior, accountability and responsibilities in other relationships I had in my life. When I became willing to be aware of me, I became more MINDFUL of my guilt, shame, fear and insecurities. I was able then, to work on these areas in my life without force or struggle. Yes, it was painful at times, took years in recovery and hard to deal at times, but my willingness was more powerful than giving up and keeping my secrets that were so toxic to me. This freed me from blame and defensive reactions I would display with others in my life. I had to become AWARE of my behavior.
So how did I tackle this? I got help, went to therapy and did a whole lot of writing in my journals. I was willing to do anything in order to be a better person. My willingness to work through my denial with so many things in my life allowed me no longer to want to keep secrets. Secrets keep you sick and I no longer had the desire to live that way. In saying that, it is obvious as I write in my blog (Sobriety Fitness) and tell the world about my recovery along with sharing so much more about me in my new book “Drunk to Sober”—with people from all over the world.
Today I will run knowing the secrets I once carried inside me kept me from living free and full of love. Knowing how secrets made me feel made me not want to carry secrets in my recovery or life. The only time I will keep a secret is when or if I want to surprise someone with a party or gift. The other destructive secrets I once carried I can live without in my life!
