"Happy Monday!"
When I was younger I occupied myself with drawing, painting and playing sports. As a teen I occupied myself with friends, drinking and having a good time. When I became a young adult I occupied myself with work, drinking and anything and everything in order to stay busy. I poured myself into anything that occupied my time, my mind and my life. I was too busy to deal!
Eventually, my drinking became a problem, but I was too busy to deal. My character defects became a problem, but I was too busy to deal. My consequences and responsibilities became a problem, but I was too busy to deal. My life became out of control but I was too busy to deal. I did not want to deal!
Life happened on life terms but I thought it happened on my terms. What an eye opener when I chose to become sober. Before I became sober, I lived my life in denial! I lived my life staying busy, purposely! I lived my life in chaos, which later always brought drama! I lived my life consuming every minute in my day with activities, work or tasks in order to avoid my true problems,...me! I lived my life thinking if I kept myself busy issues in my life would go away! I lived my life convincing myself that if I kept going, kept doing things, kept distracting myself I would never have to deal,...with me! Life happened on life terms but I thought it happened on my terms. What an eye opener when I chose to become sober. I had my bottom and that is when I started to deal with me! I dealt with me! I saw me! I looked in the mirror! I needed to deal with me! I no longer became too busy!
Does anyone relate to this? Can anyone understand why I did what I did? I can, it is simple,...denial! I denied my fear of me. I denied my anger with me! I denied my hurt with me! I denied my abandonment with me! I denied my alcoholism with me! I denied my character defects, consequences and responsibilities with me! Yes, I worked, I paid my bills, I went to college, I got a college degree and I thought by living in this responsible way things would appear to others how all together I was. I thought if I looked good, dressed good and exercised good that I would mask all the pain, fear, insecurities and true loneliness I felt inside. I was a walking fraud! I was a walking mannequin! I was a walking elephant that no one noticed or realized! I had everyone fooled! I was the fool! I was avoidance! I was denial! I was the elephant!
Finally, I became willing to see me. I became willing to deal with me. I became willing to be honest with me. I became willing to grow up and deal with what my life truly was,...a mess! When I became sober I learned to pace myself. I learned to say no and not feel guilty over it. I learned to take care of my sobriety first, over anything and anybody in order for me not to relapse. I learned to be true to myself. I learned not to be perfect, although I still have a hard time with this and still need to ease up on myself. I learned to HALT! I learned to say to myself it's alright, try again, apologize, clean your side of the street and stop blaming people, places and things for my discontent feelings and mostly ask myself why am I avoiding me. This allowed me to identify, name it and deal with what I needed to deal with,...me! This helped me not to control, manipulate and rationalize my behavior with others. I learned to own my own feelings and not own other people's feelings and responsibilities. I learned I can only change ME and no one else. Lastly, I learned to love me, accept me, know the importance of me, which in return made me experience gratitude for my life in recovery. I no longer became too busy!
Do you become too busy to deal with what you really need to take care of,...you? Don't worry there is always today to start dealing with you. Today, I will run knowing I have come a long way in my recovery when dealing with myself and no one else. I am never too busy to deal with me!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.sobrietyfitness.com.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available a
