Written by: Cathy Shuba
When I drank, I denied me. When I drank, I denied the dependency I had on Alcohol and other substances in order to deal with me and others in my life. When I drank, I denied the truth of my present and future life. When I drank, I lived in denial. I denied the truth, I was denial!
I have been sober for 20 years and denial is always or should I say trying to re-enter or test my endless commitment of accountability and responsibility, I try live and practice in my life today. What do I mean by this? Whenever someone confronts me of my wrongdoing I know I have a choice to admit, say I am sorry or turn the other cheek by working that good old character defect of manipulation and blame I once used as a toxic tool to use in order to guard my fears, shame and guilt. I choose to admit, no matter how hard it is I choose to admit! Whenever someone tells me the truth in the matter, I know I have a choice to deal with it or keep sweeping the truth under the carpet. I choose to deal with it regardless of how painful it is how many tears I may have to shed. Whenever I see what I should be seeing, I have a choice in the matter as to whether I walk through it or run from it. I choose to walk through it and allow my fear to let go instead of holding on to my fear with control that will later hurt me more. I choose not to hurt my spirit any longer and realize that denial has kept me in a prison from the reality of who I truly could be or can be today—whole! Knowing is key in learning that I have choices in order to deal with denial. When knowing denial is a choice rather than used as a security blanket I will grow with many choices in life and I will no longer feel stuck in my own fear. Awareness is seeing what the problem, challenge or uncomfortable feelings I may have and choosing not to deny them rather deal with it in order to allow myself to have more courage and less fear the next time I have to deal with another situation. Mindfulness deflates denial by giving me the power, strength, and courage in order to gain more self-confidence, self-esteem and ability not to destroy my spirit rather live with my spirit so I can feel love for others and myself.
On the other hand, do not get me wrong it took me a long time to understand denial. I took me a long time to admit I lived in denial. It took me even longer to learn how to deal and workout the denial issues I always seemed to continue to practice until I came to a realization that denial no longer worked in my life and that choosing to work on it was much more beneficial and productive. In realizing and working on my denial, I still today must always be aware, mindful and know that denial can always find its way back into my life if I allow it too. I choose to see things for what they are and if I do not I will be guaranteed to feel the consequences later rather it is through a feeling or confrontation. Today, I know I have choices and no longer need to deny those choices in order to live a more wholesome life. What is your choice today—denial or truth?
Today, I did Pilates and practiced the constant flow of movement I must practice inside in order to avoid the terrible feelings I get when I deny things in my life. There is no movement in my soul when I choose denial. I will not deny the truth today!
