"Happy Wednesday!"
In my drinking days chaos was all I knew. In my drinking days I felt comfortable around chaos. In my drinking days Chaos was what I knew, was what made me tick and what excited me. In my drinking days chaos kept my attention and caused me to want it more. I was addicted to chaos!
So your probably saying, "You were addicted to chaos?" Yes, that's right,...it does not always have to be a drug or a drink, technical device or money issue. Addiction comes in all forms. Some are more bothersome than others. Some destroy lives while others simply distract the mind just to forget their worries for a short period of time. As I put it, "A short vacation from reality!" Anyways, when I became sober the chaos eventually stopped! I say eventually, because when I first stopped drinking some of my friends that still drank gave me a hard time and questioned me to the point where I felt I was on trial. It was exhausting! I later realized they had the same problem as I, but was too terrified to face it. I am glad I am sober!
I had been sober for a few years when I realized, again, another spiritual awakening of mine, I was at a family gathering and noticed all the yelling, all the arguing and chaos that was going on. I felt those old feelings coming back, the feelings of excitement, attraction and the need to stay around as if I was some zombie that was unable to keep my attention off the drama which was going on. I was in a trance. Have you ever been in a trance? I later realized that night the real reasons why "I" cause chaos at times,..."MYSELF!" Who, me?,...cause chaos? Yes, that's right me, myself and I! I would cause it for the same reasons for how I felt when I saw it at that party. I would cause it because I needed that feeling again. I needed the reaction from another human,...to "happen" again. I needed that "comfort zone." I needed that "craziness!" I "craved" that chaos without ever knowing it! Have you ever felt quietness, peace and no disturbance around you and suddenly you begin to feel uncomfortable in your own skin? Well, that is how I would start to feel and the need to cause chaos would begin. How did I do this,...easy I would push your buttons, be sarcastic, talk about a topic that I knew I should not be talking about, I would gossip, I would be obnoxious,...I would not be nice, I would start yelling, accusing and blaming! I was addicted to chaos!
I was about 7 years sober at the time when I realized I no longer liked chaos, wanted chaos or needed chaos in my life. How did I realize this? I wrote a lot in my journal,...shall I say many journals,...lol! I came out of my coma of being a dry drunk, worked on my recovery to the best of my ability and mostly came to terms with the needed to want chaos in my life. Made a choice to change the chaotic ways of my being! I needed to find me again. Not, just a sober me...the me who at once enjoyed running, painting and socializing with my friends, family and people. There are many more things I needed to find or get back in my life in order to have a me again.
My life had changed, I had kids, I was married and the stress of life itself became challenging for me and at some times chaotic. I found I lost myself as a mother, wife and someone in recovery. Can anyone relate to this? Chaos was the outlet, was what I knew, was what gave me excitement and was the way to take the focus off of my own chaos. I later realized, that if my recovery was pure, honest and serene I would no longer need chaos in my life. I needed to change the way my recovery was going. I later realized if I stay true to myself, my spirit and my own needs I would no longer need chaos. I needed to say what I needed to say without being mean and stick up for myself if I needed too, without being a door mat then later resenting it. I later realized, if I continue to just focus on me "first" without neglecting my kids or my responsibilities I will find my balance and would no longer need chaos. I needed to teach my kids or rather show my kids that chaos is not good for you. I still do today! I later realized, that if I am causing or wanting chaos I am not working on me. Lastly, I needed to realize, progress not perfection and the ability to see me for what I am doing or saying with the willingness to change what I need to change at the moment or at the time in my life I will be better off. I later realized I am no longer addicted to chaos! On the other hand, I still need to stay mindful of it!
Since, chaos is no longer needed in my life, I can appreciate many gifts in my life. The rebirth of me! The rebirth of my relationship with myself, my kids and to whom ever walks into my life. The rebirth of many wonderful, peaceful and joyful things that I can be mindful of, know of and mostly the ability to choose to say "NO" when asked or invited to go somewhere that is not healthy for me or my kids. I can choose "NOT" to be addicted to chaos and when I do so my life is so peaceful. It does not happen over night but with the willingness in your heart you can overcome chaos! The question for you is, "Are you willing to give up chaos, in order to work on you?" Chaos is not needed, unless you are addicted to it!
Today, I will walk, peacefully instead of running and take in all I can knowing at one time in my life it was chaotic and now it is not!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.sobrietyfitness.com.
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