"Happy Tuesday!"
Christmas is coming and I have a lot of shopping to do! I think I'll eat some Christmas cookies. Christmas is coming and I have so much to wrap! I think I'll go to the store and buy more gifts. Christmas is coming and I have so much cleaning and preparations to do. I think I'll watch a Christmas movie and eat some snacks while I watch. I have no extra money this year to spend on extra gifts! I think I'll buy a new outfit for a Christmas party that is coming up. I really need to go running or do some sort of exercise, but I have to much work to do. I think I'll make out my Christmas cards. I really need to reach out, listen and do some service right now! I think I'll take a nap! What? What I really need to do is buy a huge mirror and strap it in front of my face!
Reading the paragraph above what comes to your mind? Avoidance comes to mine! How many times in our life we need to take care of us but end up taking care of others? Minding other people's business? We get involved in something way over our heads, in order to avoid what we really need to take care of,...ourselves! How many times we need to deal with an issue at work, with a friend or family member and find ourselves avoiding it, and later find we are either talking bad about someone or complaining about unnecessary things? How many times have we avoided parties, Holidays or even meetings, because of a situation that has gone unresolved? How many times we avoid family members because we are too angry, resentful or hurt by them? How many times we go through our day and someone says or does something wrong to us and we avoid speaking up and instead stuff it which later causes us to act out or take it out on someone else that has nothing to do with it? How many times we get bills in the mail that we can not pay and just shove them in a drawer thinking they will go away? How many times we receive an email or message from someone and never return a message back only because they struck a chord with us that we are not willing to see or deal with? How many times someone calls you and you never return their call only because you never dealt with them, see them as an annoyance, toxic or just don't want to deal with,...period? How many times have we avoided? I have done it plenty! Do we still avoid? Sometimes, I still do but know what I need to do in order to stop avoiding! Avoiding me, hurt me! This way of dealing hurt me as well as my recovery. Avoidance is toxic to your soul!
Avoiding me, hurt me! I will explain, when I drank I avoided! When I was not drinking, well in between my drinking days, I still avoided! When I became sober, I still avoided! Today, I can still avoid, but notice when I am doing so! Why did I avoid? I avoided so I would not have to feel. This allowed me to become numb! For instance, I actually could not cry when I truly needed to, it was as if my tears did not work anymore. Has this ever happen to you? I avoided to bypass conflict, argument and confrontation. The result to this made me feel less than, anxious, stressed, not so proud of myself and not much respect for me. I avoided because of fear. I feared the end result, rather it was abandonment, what you thought of me or how you would react and treat me or that I was not pleasing you in a way I thought would make you feel good about me or proud of me. This caused me to be angry with you, resent you when really I was angry and resentful of my own actions but did not know how to deal with it. I avoided by saying I was fine, everything is fine or saying,..."That's OK!" When really it was not! This way of dealing with avoidance caused me not to be true with myself, not take care of myself, stick up for myself and mostly feel good and proud of myself. My ways of avoidance became destructive to me. Avoidance supported and encouraged my denial with me, with you and certain situations and issues I struggled with. Avoidance hurt my health, believe it or not I too, at one time in my life had bouts of depression that caused me not to want to exercise or eat well. Yes, I am human and yes I have been there too! I can identify, I am real and I am here with compassion! On the other hand, I could also exercise too much in another way of avoiding things going on in my life. I avoided not to deal with me!
How did I stop avoiding? When I allowed myself to look in the mirror and see the truth. When I was willing enough to let go of denial. When I realized voiding things never allowed me to grow spiritually, mentally and physically. When avoidance gave me too much pain, discontent and the ability to loose myself. When I had a spiritual awakening at a meeting, when someone told there story and a light bulb went off in my head,...saying, "That's it, that is me, that is what I have been doing all this time,...I must stop it!" I did, and I began to take another journey into my recovery. My journey consisted of journal filled with my fears, triggers, hurt feelings, abandonment issues, why I avoided confrontation, dealing with depression and mostly why am I angry or resentful? By using the tool of my journal, it allowed me to read my feelings, see my feelings and dissect my feelings in a more productive way. I also worked with others in recovery and asked questions and mostly listened to others who have done the same as me but were living a better life and recovery than I.
Today, if I find myself avoiding I can be kinder to myself and ask why am I. Deal with it, accept what it is and realize I have no control over others but only me. I also, know today that I have choices and the choices I make will be the end result of how I live my life. Either it is at peace or sometimes not so peaceful. On the other hand, If I choose to avoid because the situation is to toxic or unhealthy for me, I will know I made the right decision because I will have no regrets, no what ifs, should of, could of mind boggling scenarios in my mind, I will simply live with peace in my decision. I once used avoidance as a crutch but today I know that, that crutch only allows me to walk crooked and unbalanced!
Have you experienced this? Do you still experience this? If so, hang tight we all have the difference is knowing it, doing something about it and living true to yourself! Today, I will run knowing how many times I ran from things in order to avoid me! I will run with me and not from me!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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