"Happy Monday!"
Did you ever feel irritated by someone you know but instead of dealing with them you lash out at others? Did you ever experience someone who was not kind to you or better yet you acting not to kind someone else just because? Did you ever not smile back to someone when they smiled at you or perhaps you smiled at them and they wouldn't return a smile back? Did you ever notice yourself or someone else always complaining, never saying nice words about someone or negative on any and everything that comes in there way? Did you ever put someone down, talk down to someone or acted as if you knew more than them just to feel in control? Where you ever hurt by someone, abandoned by someone, lied by someone or just plain wronged by someone and instead of letting them know how you truly felt or how you were affected by their behavior you just decide to avoid them like the plaque? This internally made you mad, angry and resentful. All of thee above describe an angry person who is or was unwilling to deal with their own anger. One who is or was in denial of their own anger. One who once was none as,...ME! "Yes!, you got it, I treated others with my anger and was treated by others with their anger. I didn't care, never really noticed and thought I was stronger than my non-dealt with anger issues. I lived in anger!
When I drank I was angry! When I drank I drank because I was angry! When I drank I rather blame and forget my part in it! When I drank I manipulated you, your words and situations in order to avoid the real problem,...ME! When I was actively drinking I was always mad but denied it, didn't deal with and thought by running from my problems,...solved my problems! My denial of my anger and who or what I was angry with only made me more angrier,...no one else did! I was angry!
When I chose to get sober dealing with me was not that easy. In fact, it was harder than avoiding me! I found myself even angrier than before. Does this make sense? I did not make sense! I was angry! I was mad! I could think I was dealing with my issues but only half way. You ask, What am I talking about? Let me explain, when confrontation would arise I would hide behind others to fix the situation. I would not deal with it head on! If I became upset with you and you would ask me if I something was wrong, I would half smile and say, "Oh!, nothing I am fine!" Yeah, right! Give me a break! I was a coward at it's best! I isolated in order to avoid the real truth behind why I was avoiding you, the situation and so forth! I would rationalize why I did not show up with a lame excuse or just make something up! Half truth that fed my anger! This unacceptable behavior allowed me to keep stuffing toxic turmoil in my soul. This irresponsible behavior of not having the courage, self respect and honesty with you or myself caused me to be more short with you, hostile with you and even paranoid with anything you said or did. This kept me thinned skinned and defensive! This behavior caused me years of loosing myself, my serenity, my peace of mind and mostly my spirit as a healthy living recovering alcoholic! Lastly, this stuffed anger, not dealt with anger and avoidance in my life was the result of a miserable person who no longer drank but feared facing the truth about how I really felt about things, what I really needed and how I wanted to be treated as an individual. I always had that unsettling feeling inside when it came to certain people whom I CHOSE not to deal with. I was on the resentment highway cruising as fast as I could past all of my angry issues and situations. I really feared dealing with my own anger!
What was I so angry about? I was angry because I did not know how to properly feel! I was angry because I no longer had a crutch to numb my feelings! I was angry because I had to find my own liquid courage, minus the liquid! I was angry because working on me meant doing it on my own and not relying on others to fix it for me! I feared dealing with my anger. I was angry because I did not have the courage to stick up for myself when I needed to so I just allowed you to walk all over me! I was angry because I feared what you would really think of me if I spoke my mind! I was angry because no one listened to me! I was angry because I was never taken serious,...enough! I was angry because I did not know how to deal right, confront properly and know how to handle a situation appropriately without going off the deep end and reacting in a hysterical way. I was angry without knowing why I was so angry but blamed others for my anger and unsettling feelings I had inside. I was angry because I did not get my way with you. I was angry because you did not agree with me. I was angry because I expected you to act, to say and do in the way I expected. I was angry because it was not fair! I was angry because you got away with it and I didn't! I was angry at someone or something and did not know how to handle it so I took it out on you. I was angry because I did not deal with me! I was angry because I did not deal with you,...directly! I was angry at me! I was angry!
How did I finally deal with my anger? How did I dissect my anger? How did I stop being angry with me? When I started to face my fears! Fought through my fear! Walked through my fear! When I stopped blaming others for my miserable life! When I started to look in the mirror and only see me! When I started to become willing to see and deal with my own consequences, responsibilities and wrong CHOICES I made in my life. When I came to terms with the truth in my own actions without rationalizing, using others to bail me out and when others stopped enabling my unacceptable and poor behavior. Lastly, just because I was sober, did not mean I was not angry...I still had to deal with all the stuffed anger I had and refused to deal with over the years while drinking and while newly sober. How did I do this? I started to journal, became more accountable with my true feelings, needs and wants in my life. I needed to forgive myself for all the wrong choices I made with others and how it affected them along with me. When forgiving myself, I was able to stop being so hard on me and learn from my choices, rather than acting as if I was a victim of them. I eventually stopped people pleasing and realized how much in denial I was with this. I became willing to learn how to listen to others without taking everything so personal. When I realized that anger is one word and that I did not need to use it for every feeling I was having and thinking it was only and always anger! I was then able to realize when I was sad, depressed, lonely, disappointed, abandoned and so many other feelings besides just saying or thinking I was angry. Furthermore, I think the hardest task for me to overcome was to allow myself to love myself, accept myself and to see myself as I once was as a drunk and as a sober person. This allowed me to have compassion for myself! Compassion for others! My anger is no longer anger, it is now hurt when I feel hurt, sad when I feel sad, lonely when I feel lonely and so forth. It is sticking up for myself when I feel I need too. It is about dealing with me, with you and situations without reacting, feeling sorry for me and avoiding the truth in the matter. My anger has revolved into peace within myself, with others and mostly,...to thine own self be true!
Do you still have unresolved anger? I hope you know that you are the only one who has the power to release it, deal with it and allow yourself to grow from it. Are you ready to figure out your anger in order to stop blaming others and taking it out on innocent bystanders? I hope so for your sake and for others sakes, as well. God knows misery loves company,...so choose to rid of that company within yourself! You'll find once you do so your company will be less toxic!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.sobrietyfitness.com.
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