Written by: Cathy Shuba
When I drank, I defended my drinking behavior. I was in denial. When I drank, I defended my toxic friends. I was in denial. When I drank I defended my secrets, lies and accountability with any situation that forced me to look at me— I still defended it in order not to admit. I was in denial. When I drank, I always made sure I looked good with my appearance to others that enabled me to mask the real pain and issues I had inside of me. I was in denial. When I drank, I defended all the character defects I refused to deal with or admit too. I was in denial, which left me unaccountable.
For the past three months, my husband and I have been trying to deal with the crime that continues to happen at my son’s new school. The school refuses to deal with it and chooses to deny it. To think this is a Catholic High School and the example they are giving to the kids in their school is beyond my comprehension. The ironic thing about this whole mess is that I thought by changing schools it would be better for him but it turns out I was wrong. I admit it; I was wrong for doing that but not wrong at trying. What a lesson learned but not wasted and I do not regret the fact that my son experienced his wonderful teachers that he had and what he learned by the toxic behaviors from the administration team who run the school. This goes to prove the importance of allowing yourself not to deny what makes you aware of something in your life that is not good for you. Awareness, choice and accountable was the gift and the message!
So what is the difference in my behavior today? I did not beat myself up as in the past I would do so. I did not DENY the issues we were having as I did in the past. I did not defend the inappropriate behaviors the schools Administrative team displayed with my son. I did not defend their behavior as I did in the past. I dealt with it, made a choice to withdrawal him from the school and gave my son the lesson of how important it is not to defend, deny and always remain accountable no matter how hard it is at the time.
My son experienced many gifts as he saw my example of how to live true to you in any given situation. I told my son I was proud of his self-advocacy and trying to get to some solutions even though the school refused to do so. I told my son we could not change the situation at the school but only our situation by making better choices. I told my son that it is only our business to take care of our business and we need to accept the schools ways of dealing and know we have no control in changing it. All we can do is look at our choices, let it go and realized we will be free from the bondage of their way of thinking and dealing. Having the courage to be aware, accountable and make choices has given me strength in any situation at which becomes toxic to me. This is what my son gained in his life regardless of how hard it was for him to change. My son learned I am accountable, aware and willing to make a choice.
Today I ran knowing how free my son can be when learning to be accountable, aware and the ability to make choices in his life. It took me a long time even to understand how to be accountable never the less having choices in my life and being aware of them without denying them. I have so much gratitude knowing I am able to teach and be an example to my kids by showing them the importance of these behaviors.
