Written By: Cathy Shuba
"Happy Sunday!"
When I drank I never dealt with anything and if I did it was with half the effort, half truths and half of my accountability with a blame here, a manipulation there and a whole lot of guilt! I would guilt you to do what I wanted, what I needed and what I thought was good for you. I was selfish! I would blame you so that I never had to deal with me, what I said or did to you and mostly to control the conversation or situation. I was unaccountable! I would manipulate the situation, your words and your way of thinking. I was controlling! I needed manipulation, guilt and blame and i am sure many more destructive ways in order to not have to deal with me. Does this sound familiar? Have you or someone you know act in such a way? I know I did!
Dealing with me was and sometimes can be challenging! I chose to become sober and with that came a lot of dealing. I thought if I only dealt with not drinking anymore, that was it! I was wrong! I was really, really wrong! When I thought that way, I became a dry drunk! Unfortunately some people think this is the end all when they get sober. I pray for them and hope they can find themselves and peace some day! These type of people claim to be sober, go to meetings, think they are helping others but when it comes down to them dealing "Look out!" I mean it, look out! Their 'stinkin thinkin' comes back in a flash! How do I know this? I was once there, I was once a dry drunk and I was once miserable in my recovery! Why? I will tell you why, I never looked within, dealt within and by not doing this I refused to be accountable for anything I wrongly did or said! "Hey great job at not drinking, but could you do yourself a favor and start drinking again?" I was told this by a good friend when I was 4 or 5 years sober. When she said this to me I thought to myself, how dare she tell me to drink again? Are you appalled I said that, too? Not as appalling and dishonest as living as if you were sober, but really am not mentally! Now, at the time I still held on to my ego and pride too much to really understand the message in it. Can you relate to that? After so many weeks after those words were said to me, along with lots of soul searching writing in my journal, I realized what she really meant is that I needed to change inside, work on me and less on others, see and admit my character defects in order to work on them and mostly to forgive myself for all the wrong doing I had done to others that caused me such guilt and pain. I needed to fight through my ego and pride and finally admit my wrongs and especially that attitude of thinking I knew everything. I needed to be accountable in order to deal with me!
Time went by and I eventually dealt with me more and more, which became easier believe it or not! It became easier because I banished my ego and pride and worked through my guilt and forgiveness for myself. Became kinder to myself, allowed love rather than discontent in my heart. On the other hand, after I had done all this, I thought I was making progress only to realize doing all these changes inside of me did not mean other people around me were capable or willing to do the same! WOW!, what an eye opener for me! My controlling ways began to surface, my anger began to surface, my aggravation began to surface and I felt as though I was back at square one again. Has this ever happen to you? You work through a lot of obstacles only to find you need to keep working? I later realized that this work never stops when dealing with yourself.
So how did I deal with others? When I began to feel compassion within myself, this allowed me to have it for
others. This allowed me to have less frustration, anger and aggravation with others. This allowed me to see me as I once was and find an understanding with others that are still stuck in their rut, their ego, their pride, their fears, their anger, their resentment and mostly their lack of forgiveness they feel for themselves. I no longer judged others for how they acted or rather how
they did not deal. I had to realize, at one time in my life I was that
person too. I noticed I became less angry, less frustrated and less
aggravated with people. This allowed me to be more tolerate, accepting and mostly compassionate for others who are still struggling in their life with or without an addiction issue. This allowed me to see it for what it is when I see others acting wrongly and know that they are the message of how I once was, could still be today if I stop working on me and mostly a gift from God knowing I must always remember who I once was. All of these things help me in my recovery and my life. So when you are out shopping today, going to a friends house or just being around others whatever it may be and someone acts in a way that you feel is not true, pure and genuine,...just remember you were once like that. Ask yourself, "Who are you to be so thinned skinned over their issues?" Say a prayer for them, take their troublesome behavior as a gift and use it to make a better you. Choose to do better, you will live better! You will find you will become more accountable with yourself and others, this in return will allow you to see who your are, who you no longer want to be and mostly love and respect yourself.
Have you found your life bothersome over other people's unacceptable behavior? Do you live with someone who never admits their wrongs. If so, always remember you are not alone and there is always someone else that has gone through this or still is going through this toady. Find comfort that it is only up to you to choose how you want to live, how you can change only you and that there is always room for forgiveness and compassion.
Today, I will take a long walk and reflect on all those times I struggled with other people's bad behavior, unaccountable ways and how I live with compassion. By doing so I am only responsible for my side of the street! It is very freeing!
