"Happy Thursday!"
When I was growing up I had experienced abandonment. When I was growing up my abandonment issues were caused by my mother's nervous breakdowns, my mother's extreme codependency of my dad and my lack of understanding my life in the midst of all of it. When I was a child I felt lost!
When I was a teenager my mom's focus and obsession was on my older sister and her boyfriend...I, on the other hand, was the problem child, the angry child and the bothered child. When I was a teenager my life was abandoned by me. When I was a teenager I chose to drink, cause trouble in the family and engage in some drugs. When I was a teenager I did not understand the word abandonment, but knew of the word and had heard of the word on occasion. When I was a teenager I chose to abandon my family by engaging in other activities that caused me to loose myself, hurt my soul and took me away from any type of spiritual, mental or physical well being. When I was a teenager I felt lost!
I never understood the affects of abandonment had on me. I just knew that when ever someone would say they were going to do something or meet me somewhere and it never happened my reaction to it was overboard with anger, fear and lots of resentments. Sound familiar? I would drink it away! I experienced abandonment just by trying to talk about something and someone would interrupt or talk over me. I never knew that would had affected me later as a abandonment issue but it did. It caused me to stuff my feelings and feel as though what I had to say is not that important,...when actually it was. I just drank it away! I also knew that with abandonment came the lack of trust with anyone in my life. For example, I always had a negative attitude when things would be planned or said to me. I would drink it away! When my grandfather suddenly died I felt abandonment but acted out with anger, stuffed my hurt feelings and would question God as to why? I drank it away! Abandonment was related to so many ways in my life that I can say caused me to drink more, feel more lack of trust, have more anger and resent more. I did not realize it at the time how much abandonment affected my life and continued to affect my life until I dealt with it! Abandonment issues of mine caused me to loose friends, boyfriends, relationships with my parents, my sisters and mostly with me and God! I abandoned God! I abandoned me!
I became sober on April 3, 1993. I was willing to do anything in order for me to feel free and at peace, but...I was unaware of my abandonment issues! Why did I still feel anxiety, stress and unsure of myself? I did not deal with abandonment! I was ready to peal the layers off of my life that I worked so hard to protect, lie about and cover up, but...I was unaware of my abandonment issues! Why did I still feel angry, shameful and lacked self esteem? I didn't deal with abandonment! I did many things in order to feel recovered from the obsession of the drink, but...I was unaware of my abandonment issues! Why did I still occasionally feel threaten by alcohol or scared to be around it at times? I did not deal with the abandonment! I worked the steps, I sponsored, I led, I shared, I helped out, I found God of my understanding, and yet I denied my abandonment issues! Why did I still feel, crabby, short with others and bothered at times when I would go to meetings or outside of meetings? It was because I never dealt with any of my abandonment issues until later, while listening to a lead when I five years sober. God's message talked through this person and touched my soul on abandonment. It was a light bulb moment! I needed to be recovered from abandonment in order to move forward, live in peace and accept God in my life to the fullest. I wanted to be recovered from abandonment! I did just that, I chose to deal with it, saw a recovering therapist that understood the program and knew what I needed to do in order to recover in a way I truly felt recovered. My obsession or threat of alcohol left me. I was recovered! My lack of trust, anger, fear and resentment left me. I was recovering! I turned to myself and dealt with me,...I no longer abandoned my needs, my wants and my recovery. I turned to God and allowed him to do his will for me regardless of how hard it is for me to let go! I was recovering! Dealing with my abandonment issues helped me to see, accept, forgive and mostly love myself. I was recovering! I no longer deny, ignore or have abandonment issues today! On the other hand, the gifts of abandonment helped me to forgive others, myself and live a happy, sober and free life today. I have recovered from my abandonment issues! I will always be recovering!
Do you struggle with abandonment issues? For example; have you experienced, divorce, unfaithful relationships, were adopted, moved a lot when you were a child, mental or physical abuse and so on? Did you ever realize you had them? I know that my abandonment issues could have been worse but they still affected me and I needed to deal with them regardless in order to have a fulfilling recovery, life and family today! I hope today you will be able to allow yourself to deal with them in order for you to feel at peace in your recovery. Today, I will run with peace in my heart and know I had the courage to deal with my abandonment issues.
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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