Welcome back to The Boyfriend Chronicles, where each month I give Will (my boyfriend) the opportunity to take over the blog. I’d like to preface this post by saying that last weekend Will and I celebrate our anniversary. 7 years of love, kindness and generosity. 7 years of making Will delicious dinners, supporting him during his Paleo experiment and listening to him complain about his car. 7 years of being the best girlfriend I can be, and this is what I get…
Hello there fit and focused friends of Fitful Focus. I’m very excited for my post this month (who am I kidding, I get excited about all of them), as I’m going to start a new segment entitled “girlfriend shaming.” For me it will be girlfriend shaming, but if you would like to do some boyfriend shaming, let’s all get on this together.
For those of you who are sitting there thinking I’m a terrible human being – I can’t really argue with you – but I can give you some funny pictures that inspired this idea. For instance:
In a nutshell, the idea of girlfriend shaming came from animal shaming, in which owners of bad animals write up a little sheet that says what they did, take a shameful picture of this animal holding or sitting in front of the sheet and post it on the internet. To turn this idea from animal shaming into girlfriend shaming, simply replace animal with girlfriend (they’re basically the same, anyway) – all else remains the same.
After a quick look on instagram, I’m not the only conniving genius on this planet as #girlfriendShaming is already a thing (albeit small), but we’re going to update that hashtag with an ‘FF’ for FitfulFocus. If you’re a girl (or guy) and want to shame your boyfriend, use the hashtag #FFBoyfriendShaming and if you’re of the duded variety (or dudetted), use #FFGirlfriendShaming.
OK, now that we’ve got that established, stop thinking about all the dumb things your significant other has done and focus up – it’s time to make the inaugural entry into the #FFgirlfriendShaming hashtag – but first, some backstory.
As some of you may know from my previous post about male inadequacy, Nicole has a Vitamix. And when I tell you that this thing is her pride and joy, you best be believing. Move over stand mixer, slide aside food processor – there’s a Vitamix in town and it’s clearly the favorite. Anyway, the scene is this:
It’s a Sunday afternoon, I’m peacefully doing work on the couch taking a nap and Nicole is doodling in the kitchen making snacks and food that will eventually do some modeling for this blog. The entire time she’s in there, the uniform hum of the food processor is in the background – and I’m talking like 45 minutes. By the time I’m starting to really get involved in my work nap, the hum has become ambient noise – until it finally stops. Ahhh, silence……. until the Vitamix comes on and the entire neighborhood knows that the assholes in apartment 1J are blending something.
Realizing my work is probably done for the day, I start doing something productive, like look at facebook. At this point the Vitamix has been on for a solid 5 minutes, when I hear, “Oh, shit,” and the Vitamix shut off. A few bangs in the kitchen and a minute later the saddest little girl walks around the corner with the Vitamix container in her hand. She looks at me, down at some sort of bubbly ooze in the container, back at me, and simply says, “I think I broke my Vitamix.” Off my office chair the couch and into the kitchen I run to find the Vitamix base covered in some kind of oil (which I later found out was coconut oil) and a half melted container. Apparently, the story is that the food processor wasn’t getting the coconut flakes for coconut butter (apparently that’s a thing) chopped up finely enough, so Nicole decided to put them in the Vitamix. A seemingly logical next step, except that when the Vitamix is put into the high setting, it turns on an induction heater and tries to boil whatever is in the vessel – which at this point was basically the consistency of peanut butter. Add one chef who’s not really paying close attention and you’ve got your first #FFGirlfriendShaming picture.
I’d be lying if I said that was the only instance that inspired this girlfriend shaming post. Like the time Nicole melted a teapot into blob of molten steel because she thought the whistle on the kettle was coming from the heater (I have no idea), or the time she used her Vitamix tamp without the top on and had to pick pieces of black plastic out of her banana ice cream.
And for those of you wondering about the coconut butter… DOA.
I love @fitfulfocus, but The Boyfriend Chronicle’s #FFGIrlfriendShaming post is hysterical!
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Let’s Chat:
What’s your favorite girlfriend/boyfriend/pet shaming moment?
