Criticism isn’t easy to handle, and it’s getting even harder. Us millennials don’t have a lot of practice at receiving criticism – or even constructive feedback, really. For the record, I think this is a good thing. There is no point tearing people down to make them learn – it simply erodes their confidence and gives them limiting beliefs about themselves. Not so useful for behavioural change. I watched a great video a while back about building the confidence of people on your team. The TED-x video by big-league sports coach, Dr Ivan Joseph really had an impact on me. One of the key learnings I got out of his video is “catch them in the act of doing something good.” This kind of positive reinforcement breeds more of the same behaviours – the kind that you want.
There’s only two negative aspects that I can see about millennials not receiving much criticism early on in life. 1) we don’t know how to handle criticism when it happens and 2) by missing out on all forms of criticism, including the constructive type, we’re missing a huge chance to learn and grow.
There’s an easy way around this, though, and it’s only through trial and error that I’ve learned it. After being really reactive to criticism early on in my career and (for valid reasons, in some cases), and after internalising a lot of stuff that I shouldn’t have, I’ve learnt the following rule. This isn’t relevant only to career, of course.
Listen only to criticism when the person has your best interests at heart.
When someone is simply tearing you down, or their argument is simply to save their own ass, don’t validate it by feeling terrible about yourself. Instead, give it the following checks and then either take it on board or drop it and let it go.
The criticism check list
- Does the person have my best interests at heart? (If yes, continue to question two. If the answer is a no, you can still contemplate the questions below but make sure you’re doing so with this thought in mind).
- Can I do anything to rectify the situation with this person, or reason with them? (If yes, work out what that is and go and do it).
- Do I have a counter-argument to this, or do I need to simply take the feedback on board and potentially apologise? (Only you will know! Used in the appropriate context, a well-timed apology and ownership of responsibility can position you as a leader).
- Will it be beneficial to change my behaviours in future? (If yes, work out a strategy for your new process in these types of situations and, in a good-hearted way, make the process known to the person who has offered you the criticism).
- How is this going to affect my life? What is the impact of this feedback on a scale of 1 to 10? (Give yourself a realistic assessment, and then act on it accordingly as per its importance).
- Finally, once you’ve done what you need with it (taken it on board or chucked it), let it go. It’s one particular situation in one part of your life – don’t let it seep into your psyche and affect other areas of your world.
These sanity checks will help you with just that: staying sane. It’s also important not to allow criticism to affect you personally, because it can have a snowball effect on confidence. If you’re unprepared for it or not used to it, criticism can severely diminish your confidence and cause you to second-guess everything you do; it can permeate other areas of your life.
This check list should help you to compartmentalise the situation, deal with it promptly and prevent it from impacting you again later down the track when you need your confidence!!
