"Happy Wednesday!"
Today I thought I would talk about guilt. Today I thought I would talk about people pleasing. Are they related? Can "guilt" be stemmed from "people pleasing" or the other way around? When I was growing up I was raised by my mom and dad who were both raised by Alcoholics. One may admit it, where the other may not. Typical denial! Both my parents were raised to "people please" at a early age which led them to teach me and my two sister to do the same. Now I am not saying that both my sisters were affected by it as much or as the same as I was. My older sister til this day is always trying to please my parents and come up looking like the prize winning daughter. My younger sister could care less what she says or does in order to please my parents...almost to the extreme. I, on the other hand, since I was the emotional stuffer of the family seemed to have absorbed it, as the result of this, the "people pleasing" became part of my denial behavior. Meaning, I never realized how I tried to "people please" until I attended Al-Anon. I never realized it when I was going to AA. It took Al-Anon to open my eyes to it. On the other hand, living in such denial of "people pleasing" for such a long time how could I have noticed it. I am sure someone brought it to my attention when going to my AA meetings but I was not ready to deal, cope, change and look at the true reasons of all my past, present and future "guilt" I had encountered or will encounter in my life. It was not until Al-Anon that I had the spiritual awakening of "people pleasing" that led me to understand my guilt. It was not until I came too...of why I had such a yearning to "people please." It was not until guilt grabbed hold of me in a way I wanted to use again or have thoughts of using again that I woke up. It was not until I realized how much guilt my mom would put on me and still does today, if I allow her to, just so that I would do what she says or feels I should do. My mom til this day still uses guilt on all of us even my dad which in return my dad will "people please" her just to avoid the whining, yelling, manipulation and the feel sorry for me victim act. Sound familiar? Now my mom would never admit this nor will she be happy with me when she reads this post but I am not here to "people please" I am here to tell the truth and help others who are still battling with why or how they still feel or have guilt today! As the result to this post, it is clear that I wanted to stop "people pleasing" in order for my guilt stop! So, how did I stop it? I had to ask myself, what is important? I am important! How did I deny it? I had to be willing to see the denial in all the "people pleasing" acts I was involved in. What is the need to "people please" so much? It was the constant need to keep the peace, to avoid conflict, to put someone's needs and serenity before mine. I avoided the truth of how I was "really" feeling or needed because the fear of rejection from the other person would be greater than me. Lastly, the desire to appear as if I am the best worker, best daughter, best sister, best friend or best helper in any situation which later would result in guilt if I did not complete or accomplish everything on my "to do list" of martyrdom. How do I start dealing with my guilt? I faced the guilt before it was delivered to me. I rejected the "people pleasing" old ways I had once learned. I had to learn what "pleases" me, first! On the other hand, I realized when I put myself first...friction, manipulation and anger was sometimes the reaction from others. I was prepared for this reaction...heck, that was the whole reason why I avoided it in the first place...in order for me not to feel those yucky feelings. Although, when I experience this type of response I know I am doing for myself instead for others. I know I am setting boundaries. I know I am taking care of my needs rather than someone's needs. For instance, saying "No!" I know I have to work through the reaction and be consistent to what or how I feel about a situation. I know I am learning to become more reliant of my own decisions for myself. I know I am breaking through the wall of manipulation, guilt and toxic thinking. I know I am becoming stronger spiritually and mentally. I know I have faced my guilt! I no longer am a victim of guilt! Today, do you struggle with guilt? Did you ever think "people pleasing" is the cause one of the biggest causes of your guilt? Today, I will exercise my right to say "No!" whenever I feel I am not capable of doing something. I will have no guilt!
