Written by: Cathy Shuba
Has anyone said that to you—move on? What does that mean to you? How does that make you feel? Do you move on? Is it easy to move on? Is it easier to tell someone to move than it is for you to move on? I moved on in my life. I have told others to move on. I have moved on but only within my time and not what others told me to do only to find out later the one’s telling me to move where the one’s who refused to deal with their own issues or perhaps the same issues I was having at the time. I have to move on in my time!
Do you agree with me? Have you told others to move on as well? Have you tried to move on only because others around you told you too? Did you feel weak if you did not move on? Did you feel less than if you did not turn off your issues or feelings as if it was a light switch. Perhaps like others were able to do in their lives but you felt you just could not but acted as if you could—because what would they think of me if I could not do as they did,…deny and detach? Did you ever feel you could not move on? I have been there and done plenty of everything I mentioned above and every time I moved on to PLEASE someone else or PROVE to someone else I was STRONG, the reality—I lost a part of me. Let me tell you I had to learn to be true to myself and move on when I was ready and still today I have to practice this with others and with myself. Yes, I am guilty of telling others as well to move on and disregard their feelings only because I felt uncomfortable about what they were going through of perhaps something I still did not want to deal with inside of me. However, after years in recovery I needed to learn about compassion and humility. I had to realize even though I may have dealt with something that someone is yet not ready to deal with it is not my business to tell them how to feel and move on when really they are not ready too. I still struggle with this at times and it is not easy but I am more aware and mindful of me, which allows me to be more true to me today. I want to move on with awareness and the ability to be mindful of my true self and needs.
Many times, I lost sight of what the real message or lesson I was to learn by listening to others and moving on when I was really not true to me—by acting as if I moved on or told someone else to move on. My reality—stuffed resentments, abandonment, hurt, anger, disappointments all within myself because I could not admit I was not ready to move on or the person I told to move on with their issues felt these feelings towards me. I became a phony with bad behavior to others and myself. I did not want to live this way in my recovery. Living like this is not true or free! Not to mention, it hurt me more to stuff the real feelings I was having and made me take it out on others and mostly denied the true me. Why did this happen? Because I did not allow myself to deal with my feelings on my terms or what I needed to deal with in order to move on. I learned I had to deal with my feelings and emotions in order to move on. I feel humans are not built to shut off feelings or emotions with no thought and effort and when I once lived like this and practiced this numb reactions to others only caused me to need to work harder in loving myself again. I wanted to have compassion for the new comer and even the old comer. In order to have compassion I had to learn how to cope with my feelings. I needed to find the positive in everything regardless of how hurtful or fearing it may be in my life. I had to be willing to see that there is a solution no matter how difficult an issue can be in my life. I had to deal and wipe out denial in my life in order to concur moving on whatever that moving on was in my life. For instance, learning how to cope with the fact I needed to move on from a love, a friendship, a job or anything that was toxic in my life. By denying, what I needed to deal with caused me not to learn from it, find a new way to see the positive in it and mostly kept me doing the same insanity dance. I no longer wanted to move on with insanity.
I did not think much about it when I was first sober but when I would go on and on about something, the words “move on” would be mentioned to me. I later learned that all those times I was hurting over something, struggling over something or angry over something and in other words told to be quiet, stop talking, stop complaining and stop my nonsense those people in my life were not ready to deal or have compassion for me. Why do I say this? I say this because whenever I hear someone going on and on at a meeting or in conversation I think back at how I once displayed the same talk with others and know today they are hurting, they are in fear and they need me to just listen. Realizing this I am able to have compassion! Can we just listen without saying the words, move on? Compassion has taught me I need to think of others and relate to others in the way I once struggled with my own issues in order to understand and have compassion for those who are struggling, have no direction, craving to find a solution—just as I was looking for in my life. I am very happy and blessed I was willing to have compassion, humility and love for others in recovery regardless of how many years one has with their addiction.
I no longer need to hang on to those words MOVE ON or use those words with others no matter how many times they keep on complaining or talking about the same thing over and over again. It is not my job or my business to tell anyone to stop feeling just because I am uncomfortable with it, bothered by it or need to tell the person to stop. I feel if this should occur or happen with someone in my life the message from God is to look at me and beyond the person and what is really eating me. I then take the focus off them and allow me to deal with me—the real problem. I need to move on with compassion when it comes to working with others who are struggling.
Today I will exercise knowing and realizing how many times I experienced those words “MOVE ON” said to me and in return me saying to others and know that moving on is not easy regardless who it involves. I can move on as long as I am true to me and true to others.
