Even though I have done more to help Matthew recover from autism then the average mom has for their normally developing child, I often feel like a complete failure. Even though I had committed to, and done, a year long stint of round the clock oral chelation which meant that I dosed Matthew with his medicines for 72 hours straight every weekend for a year. Even though I spent hours upon hours researching the next best supplement or protocol. Even though I kept track of 24+ supplements for years, dosing him multiple times a day, mixing the horrible powders into homemade dairy free pudding or teaching him to swallow pills. Even though I took him to PT, OT and Speech and did ALL the homework they gave us. Even though I was bitten, kicked and punched daily. Even with all of that, I still feel like a failure because my son doesn’t have any interest in playing with anything other than electronics.
I have tried art, crayons, coloring, finger painting. I’ve tried, games, board games, card games. I’ve tried Legos, sets and free build. I’ve tried sports, basketball, baseball, kickball. I’ve tried books, Star Wars, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Captain Underpants. I have tried EVERYTHING and yet he doesn’t care to play. He will engage with something for a very short period of time, then get bored and not wish to do it again. Unless it is a video game of some sort my so does not care it play it. I watch other kids be able to play with the toys in their home. Many of them love to practice catch or kicking a ball. Some love to read their books for hours. Whatever they like to do they get get the toy, book or game, they can engage in that play for a period of time and then they can find the next interesting thing. If Matthew does not have electronics he roams around the house without any direction. This is when we see his most “autistic” behaviors come. If he has nothing to engage him then he will do his self stims.
Many moms will tell me that I have to engage with him more, but they really have no idea what it is like. I have had to engage with Matthew almost hourly for his whole life. I remember when he was younger and my one friend told me she could do her laundry and get her checkbook balanced while she sat on the living room floor with her child. He would play and she just needed to be there to make sure he didn’t do something dangerous. I NEVER had that. NEVER. He needed my constant attention. Now he doesn’t NEED my attention as much, but he still can’t play on his own unless that play involves electronic games.
So yes, I let my son play more video games than he should. And I feel crappy about it. But I have to say, I have spent YEARS, YEARS working on helping him be more than what the doctors said he would be. So I’m a crappy mom, that has worked her butt off and I guess we will just have to live with it. Until I can figure something else out, or some new miracle happens, we will be a family of gamers.
