I am a pretty private person that has been working on being more open. While it seems like an oxymoron too have a blog and be a private person I don’t usually blog about personal details of my life. But I woke up this morning and felt the need to write and just put it out there. It could be the fact that I am feeling horrible today with congested sinuses, a sore throat and kind of achy or it just could be that I am having a particularly hard day.
The fact is that we will never have kids naturally. And I know people say "oh just relax and it will happen someday". I am sorry to say that it will never ever happen for us without significant medical intervention. I get tired of pretending I am happy when I feel pretty miserable inside. Don’t take that as not being happy for others who have kids or are expecting, I am, it just makes it harder some days. What makes it even harder is that there isn’t a ton of support for what we are dealing with. Most of the groups and blogs and forums out there are for women and we don’t have a female related issue. So we suffer in silence because most friends and family don’t understand (and it’s not because they aren’t trying, its hard to understand something you have never experienced).
So now we have to decide what we want to do. I am not comfortable with nor are we interested in spending $15-25K to do IVF. So that leaves with one option that has 10-20% success rate. Not great in this crazy Type A planner’s book. It doesn’t help to have insurance plans designed by middle aged men with no infertility coverage because why would people need that??
We went to a clinic had a bucket load of testing done, which just confirms what we already knew. It is not a female issue. But… I can’t get pregnant alone so we look into our options. We just had a few more tests done are waiting for the results and can make a decision from there.
What I know:
- We may do a few rounds of a less invasive non medicated option. And may is the key word.
- We will not do IVF
- This will not become who we are. Yes it is something we are dealing with but I refuse to let this dictate my life.
- If we don’t end up having kids it will take some re framing of what our life looks like but I know without a doubt we will be ok. I have dealt with more in my 32 years than a lot of people ever experience in their entire life. And I am incredible strong. It may not be what we want but it is what we have to deal with.
- And I didn’t get married to just have kids, I got married because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Scott. That hasn’t and will never change.
- I will allow myself the right to remove myself from situations that hurt, the idea of going to a baby shower right now kind of makes me want to kick someone in the shin. But that will go away eventually.
- There is hope. I am a realist so this one is hard for me but to make it through some days you need it. And I have a pretty fantastic support system to help me get through it.
So I am putting it all out there this morning.
