I guess I’m suffering from my own for of Mid Life Crisis. I’m struggling to determine exactly who I am and to love that person. I am struggling with my growing midsection, the fact that no matter what I do I can’t seem to lose weight unless I starve myself. I struggle with the graying of my once almost black locks. Do I color or do I go natural? Of course that is a struggle all its own, as I really don’t want to use those chemicals and have them be absorbed into my skin and washed down the drain! Yikes. But then I’m vain enough to want to at least keep my dark hair.
I’ve struggled with depression for years and with having a child with autism the depression is never far away. I have to be diligent when it comes to my vitamins, minerals and other essential nutrients or the depression sneaks right back in. I admit I have been a bit remiss in taking my D3, my omega 3′s and my magnesium, and my depression is making a come back. I had it all under control until one of my friends committed suicide, then I couldn’t control it so well. Really the worst time to sort of slip up on my essentials, huh?
And although Matthew is doing very well on his new protocol, I just want more. more. More. MORE! I want it all. I want the autism gone and gone for good. But every day presents new struggles. I feel like it is some sort of crazy set of Russian Dolls. Every time I think we have opened the last doll, there seems to be another one hidden inside. And every one of these dolls presents another challenge. And to be perfectly honest I’m not sure I’m built for more challenges.
I was talking to my husband last night and I told him I just wanted something good, something fun to happen for us. We need a little break. I guess I should stop complaining because really there are people out there that are dealing with issues that we don’t have such as being homeless or hungry, but sometimes the difficulties of autism can suck the joy out of the good things we do have. I think I have lost myself along the way. I’ve forgotten what makes me happy. I’m trying to find those things again, because I do NOT want to stay this way. I keep thinking of that quote “Life is not a dress rehearsal”, and know that I only have this one shot to make it great. I can’t keep waiting for my life to happen, it is happening every day. Don’t worry I won’t be going out and buying a red sports car, but I am trying to do more crafts and arts, which I always loved. And I am taking more time to exercise. But if we could just get a few days without anyone’s disorders cropping up I would greatly appreciate it. Stay Well.
