Sunday morning
This weekend was a big one for me....emotionally and physically. First, I accepted that my chronic ailment wasn't going to right itself all by itself like it normally does. I broke down and emailed my doctor for medication. She has assured me a thousand times that the meds pose no harm and do only good but I am not good at taking any anti-stuff. What can I say? I want to stay healthy all on my own.With that said, I was an emotional roller coaster because a) I didn't feel good and b) I was questioning my running.
My training isn't 100% rock on and that is bugging me. I know the reasons why but still I am bugged. Then I got to wondering, does the goal to break a 4 hour marathon really matter? I posted it to facebook and one brave person chimed in that nope, it doesn't matter. I love honesty. And it doesn't matter. That doesn't mean that the hope and dream to break a 4 hour marathon has vanished from my heart. That would make life easier. It is still there but tucked deeper as other things take priority.
Sunday afternoon
First, my long runs were shifted to Saturdays from Sundays to accommodate Sunday school and church and I wouldn't change that for the world. Yes, we could do mass the night before and dear hubby could take darling to Sunday school. Darling daughter and I discussed it and agreed - we love the mass we go to and the friends we are making. We love the music and I love my quiet time to study the bible while she is in class. I am not giving that up.So Saturday is long run day...for now. Which means long runs on the treadmill most days and that is discouraging but doable. Fingers crossed that darling daughter's horse lessons aren't permanently changed to Saturdays because that will take some serious planning. But all in all, it is doable. And in all reality, I think my recent long run issues have been due to boredom on the treadmill.
Monday afternoon
These are all challenges I am willing and able to overcome but with all this going on, do I need or want to add the additional stress of hitting certain paces? Is it worth it to me? How much does it matter really?Right now I feel that focusing on the time is wearing on me and making me feel not-so-good about myself and running is a gift that shouldn't leave me feeling blah. I am so lucky to run every day and I want to feel that joy. I also feel my life being pulled to a different path. A path that doesn't need faster but better. And stress triggers my chronic condition to reveal itself.
At a moment of weakness this weekend I sat teary-eyed and darling came over to see what is up. I asked her does time matter? Does breaking a 4 hour marathon matter? She hugged me and said, no, it doesn't matter how fast I am, just how far I go. My first thought was wow, I have a very smart daughter. My second thought was a marathon is 26.2 miles and right now 6 felt tough. Granted, I am not 100% but you get the point.
This morning
And she is right. And how far I go doesn't always have to be a distance but how far I let my heart go. I will run the Honolulu Marathon for my daughter and I will finish it for her. I will also be running for Toby and Down syndrome awareness. This is where my heart wants to be. It matters more the impact I make on the world, spreading acts of kindness, caring for others, taking a moment out of each and every day to reach out to someone way over there in Nebraska to say, I am thinking about you. My eyes are opening to so much more and so are my daughter's. I am blessed to run for Toby. God gave me a gift --- well tons of them but the newest was Toby.Time doesn't matter. At the end of the day I won't score my life on paces but rather on did I do the best I could? Did I make a positive impact? Did I do a good job raising my daughter? Is she learning the lessons in life I want her to learn? Will she reach out and include someone no matter what? I want all of those answers to be yes more than I want to break a 4 hour marathon.
So for now, the time goal is being set to the side. I let my coach know and now I just want to run that marathon the best I can and be happy. He is on board with me. I need to let go of some stress in life and just be happy.
It took me awhile to type this as I felt I was quitting or giving up. It took me time to realize it takes strength to divert off of the path you were on and step onto an unknown path. I do not know where this path leads. I am nervous but I am also excited.
Let's run!
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for a supportive coach.
Daily Affirmation: Through prayer and reflection I move along my life's path.
