I’ve never considered myself to be a very ‘motherly’ person. In my own interpretation of the word, it refers to someone who is extremely nurturing, caring, soft spoken maybe… someone gentle. I, on the other hand, am not exactly patient, I do snap at my kids, I don’t pick my toddler up when she falls (choosing instead, to take pride when she hops back up and dusts herself off with the independence of a big kid) and speaking softly is certainly not my forte.
I have not ever felt pressure to align myself with a fixed notion of “motherliness”. Neither do I believe it will do myself any good in forcing myself to be someone I am not. However, I have met some mums who have really inspired me for the better and sometimes, I do try to learn from these mums.
I met this lady in my town couple of years back and back then, she had a 3 year old daughter and 2 year old *gasp* triplets (all boys). My conversations with her always went along the lines of how I didn’t know how she coped. Either that, or a repetition of how I truly respect her. My respect for her flew through the roof one day when I bumped into all 5 of them at the shops and I was treated to a fight fest between the triplets in a shopping trolley. All 3 little tots were all over one another, fighting, pushing and 1 of them even had his glasses stomped on. I was waiting for said lady to lose her cool and yell (as I totally would) “Enough! Or else!”. Instead, I watched keenly as she somehow maintained her zen, picked each one up, gave each a kiss. She asked if they were ok and advised them nicely not to fight. And they did stop.
There really is another alternative to yelling.
I knew this mom who had 2 little ones. She was a very hands-on mum, the sort who encourages creative play and does painting with her kids. (I don’t remember the last time I allowed paint in my house.) She passed my then-10-month-old a paint brush and without realizing, I was bent over my little one, telling her how she should try not to get paint everywhere and how she should hold the brush and paint the right way. My friend casually remarked that it’s ok, kids aren’t perfect!
Kids are kids. Sometimes, there’s no point stressing out. If paint is spilled, it can be wiped up. They don’t always have to do things properly. It’s the experience, the fun, the learning. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let kids be kids.
I recently attended a best friend’s wedding and there, I met her older sister who had flown from Australia to Singapore on her own, with a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Which is a complete No-Way and Never-Ever, in my books, because I could never handle it. 8 hour flight, 2 kids, no thanks. Throughout the day, my husband and I saw how she was like with her children – by the end of the day, we conceded: “Gosh, she is such a good mum”.
She was always patient, very compassionate and very importantly, she often stood at her children’s heights to speak to them especially when they started to get fidgety. It made us realize that this is something we never do – bending down and talking through things nicely. Instead, our usual first reaction is to speak in a firm tone from where we are, which usually adds fuel to the fire.
Very honestly and without sounding corny, I have been very inspired since that day. Not to be the perfect mum, but to be a better mom where I think possible. All of a sudden, I am more aware of my children’s innocence. I remember how I was as a child. Well-meaning, full of wonder, pure intentions but at times, unwittingly doing the wrong things that could annoy the adults.
As a result of this heightened awareness, I have more compassion for them. I understand more about where they’re coming from or why they might be doing the things they do. And from that compassion, comes a little more patience. I have been more conscious about not talking at my kids, but more often, getting down to their level (both physically and otherwise) to chat with them, especially when we are at disagreement.
It’s not about turning oneself into a fixed, perceived notion of a “perfect” mom. But it’s always nice to see other mums in action and be inspired by them.
Have you been inspired in your parenting recently?
Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT photo credit: liliferret cc
