Note: This post contains sarcastic responses to fat bias.
I have a confession.
Fat is a behavior after all.
You see, it’s not just that I am fat or that I have fat on my body. Nope. When I go out, I am purposefully being fat.
At you.
And it is my personal mission in life to be as egregiously fat as possible.
When I walk down the street, around my workplace, or through my neighborhood instead of remaining shut up at home, I am doing it specifically to annoy you. Many of you will be subjected to the inconvenience of looking at me. Some will have to interact with me as though I were an actual person.
When I purchase groceries or eat at a restaurant, it is with the glee of reminding you that I intend to continue my fatness by having the audacity to provide my body with food on a regular basis. Sometimes I throw beer and chocolate into my cart just to provoke extra frowny faces.
I won’t lie. Every time I hear someone gasp about how my fatness is a drain on the health care system that their tax dollars pay for, it just makes me want to visit the doctor more. This comes with the added bonus of getting to be fat at the doctor, who is then forced to explain the impending doom of being in my body and to caution me to make changes in my food and exercise habits, without first inquiring as to what my current food and exercise habits may be. Obviously, this is fun for me and entirely worth wasting all of your tax dollars — since I couldn’t possibly pay taxes of my own or receive subsidized insurance coverage, the remainder of which I pay for myself, as part of my employment compensation.
Nope. Doing it solely to piss you off.
When I wear anything more revealing than a sleeping bag, it is to provoke your disgust at the sight of my flesh. Moreover, the entire reason I live in a warm climate is so that I have as many opportunities as possible to wear clothing that makes you uncomfortable.
When I work out, it is purely to make a mockery of your own fitness levels and exercise habits. Because if my fat ass can run the same distance or enter the same yoga posture, it automatically diminishes your strength, flexibility, and cardiovascular endurance, as well as detracting from your overall physical achievements. In fact, any achievement I reach as a fat person cheapens your parallel achievement as a thin person.
And if I appear to be enjoying myself somewhere, rest assured, I do it to make you miserable. Because fun and happiness are finite resources, after all: if I have more, you will have less.
It’s been a long time coming, I suppose, this admission. But nothing I do is just because I am going about my business as a regular person. I know you can’t see it, but I am actually being fat at you right now, sending waves of adipose energy through the cosmos as I type. I am nothing if not persistent. So please, rest assured, my persistent fatness is all about you.
In conclusion:
[George Strait singing "Ocean Front Property." Lyrics here.]
