I first typed this post with heaps of expletives but decided to practice some mild censoring for the classier ones of you. Luckily, Husband was home last night.
Being the tired, overworked, hardworking mother that I am, I went to bed as soon as the baby decided she wanted to sleep which was 11pm. FFS
I woke up in about half an hour to the sound of tapping, banging and what sounded like someone crawling around on the wooden floorboards. What the *bleep*? Can’t be right because the baby is in her cot?
I half opened my eyes and what do you know, it was my husband. Who else, right? Crawling around on the floor close to midnight.
I politely asked what on *bleeping* earth he was doing.
“Sssshhh. I can hear something somewhere gnawing away, trying to get into the house. I just can’t figure where it is.”
FFS?! I jumped out of bed.
That’s when I heard it. Loud as *bleeping* day. Gnawing, gnawing, pawing, pawing. We traced the sound and realised it was coming from behind the fridge. FFS
Husband moved the fridge and noticed there was a tiny gap in the wall behind the fridge, leading down into the dirt. Yes, this old house wasn’t done very properly obviously. FFS FFS FFS So…. We needed a torch.
We have a few torches in the house but as you know how horror movies worked, none of them actually work when we need them to. FFS
And so, I had a brilliant idea. Use my phone camera light. I really only meant for Husband to use the phone light to have a little shine and teensy weensy look-see look-see.
However, I really should have known, my husband is always beaming with brilliant ideas. He wanted to have a look inside the gap so what better flat, thin instrument to use than… Mandy’s *bleeping* phone!
Husband turned it to Video mode with phone torch still shining and started getting excited: “Oh man, this is like Blair Witch Project style!”
I lost my shit and started yelling: Return my *bleeping* phone to me, man. *Bleep* That is just disgusting. That is not cool, mate. Don’t get my *bleeping* phone anywhere near that piece of *bleep*. I am not touching that *bleeping* phone ever again. You better get me another one.
Yes, my husband ignored my girly screams.
And put my phone through the gap.
We held our breaths and played back the video we recorded.
And holy *bleep*, there it was. Huge ass rat staring back at us in the *bleeping* recording.
What the actual fuck?!!!?!
I lost my shit.
A huge ass, possibly pregnant, rat stuck under a gap under the fridge.
Husband went ahead and put the phone in the gap about 3 more times to investigate its exact location etc. I went ahead and screamed and cussed about 3 more times about not ever touching that phone and how it was *bleeping* gross. FFS
It is 1:30am now. Bloody rat is still gnawing away with a vengeance. I know he is shitting himself about being stuck but you know, if he wakes my kids up I will seriously lose my shit.
We have no idea what to do. We might have to wreck a few kitchen tiles to get it out but we might have to kill it first. Any brilliant suggestions, please?
Husband is reviewing all the videos he took and wanting to put them on youtube. FFS
Seriously, shit like that only happens to my husband or when he’s around.
Yesterday was my birthday. He thanked me for being a blessing to his life lol. I thanked him for making my life so much more interesting with all the shit he gets into and all the stories he has. FFS
Now bloody rat, will you please shut up?
It's probably hard to understand my description of the location etc so here's 1 of the videos where Husband didn't sound too excited about the whole incident and where I wasn't screaming in the background. If you're a girly girl like moi, it might gross you out. So beware!
Linking up with Dear Baby G for FFS Friday Rants as always! Have a great weekend everyone! Hopefully one that doesn't involve trying to get a huge ass rat out from under the *bleeping* tiles.
