I am away until Tuesday evening - who cheered?! - but of course in your desolation and as you face another working week I realize that you will need some funnies which happily my usual 'Oz' joke-smith has produced despite being dead drunk on champagne ever since the socialists were thrashed in their election:
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would use radio waves to transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that labor was a very intense experience and that even 10% was probably more pain than the father could possibly handle. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick up the pain transfer machine a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
He checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
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Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year, and
every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter"
Barbara always replied, "I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"
One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Barbara replied, "Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "
Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out but you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"
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Not just one, not just two but three Funnies - you lucky people!
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for
a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid
that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts
of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms;
finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
