Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 27.4.15

By Davidduff

Some real corkers today to cheer up you miserable wage-slaves and perhaps get a decent day's production out of you.  Needless to say, in the finest traditions of D&N, they are all in the worst possible taste!

 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.


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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

so I did...... she's 21 and her name's Lucy..


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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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And now a very useful piece of advice to all my American readers as they enter their presidential election period:

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust  Hillary Clinton to create  American jobs. 

The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ...

and Monica blew it!

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 Four girlfriends meet 30 years after school at a reunion..... 

One goes to get food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. 

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari. 

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet. 

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle. 

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. 

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. 

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. 

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. 

" Oh no !! " said the lady, he is doing good. 

" Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..."

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This has a vaguely familiar ring to it but as I can never remember jokes two minutes after I tell 'em, here goes:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well Then one
day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday
night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

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That's your lot, better get back to work, the boss is due in! 

 


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