Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 9.2.15

By Davidduff

Yes, you wage slaves, I know it's freezing cold but that's no excuse for hanging around the coffee machine all morning, get back to your desks and read your Monday Funnies so the boss thinks you're working!  This first 'Funny' holds a lesson for us all:

First-year students at the Purdue Veterinary School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."



Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times’ sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.  He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks, ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.’


Of course, whilst these 'Funnies' are primarily aimed at those of you slogging away at the coal-face, I do realize that many of my readers are elderly and retired, like me.  So for you, as you wile away the endless, empty hours, here are a few things to lighten your day.  Of course, you will probably be arrested but just plead old age!


1. At Lunch Time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars... enjoy watching them slam on the brakes!
2. On all your check stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the Car Park, yelling 'Run for your lives!'
8. Tell your children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

10. Go to a large Department Store’'s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “'THERE'S NO PAPER IN HERE”!'



A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammers Action Group. 

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

 Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."   

The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. 

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?" 

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out:  "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow". 

“That's no better either, Hamish, now, how about you, Paddy?” 

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out: “London". 

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. 

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:





























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