According to the news, today is reckoned to be the most miserable of the entire year particularly for you Stakhanovites hewing away at the coal-face in order to provide enough dosh for Dave to keep my old-age pension topped up, so, you will be delighted to hear that the Australian Joke Factory has produced some corkers to keep you smiling, er, through your tears. First, here is a very useful exercise regime to work off some of that Christmas fat:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 3 Kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5 Kg potato bags. Then try 25 Kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50 Kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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Joe wants to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems better than new, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouts .................. 'I'll do the dishes!!!
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From my latest book, Fifty One Shades of Grey:
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
Back and forth..... in and out........
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding...... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted....................
"Okay! Okay! I can't park the car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
