Well, my little wage slaves, thus begins your first full week back at the coal face. I hope these cheer you up. This blog prizes itself on its in-depth reportage of the pop scene and so I begin with the Top Ten Country 'n' Western songs:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!” or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day ... and then 2 days, and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ....
"OK, I give up. Where's the f...ing' ship?"
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5 undeniable facts:
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Bonus fact ............I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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There, that's cheered you all up on this damp, chilly Monday morning, hasn't it? Er, sorry, didn't quite catch that . . .
