Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 3.10.14

By Davidduff

First of all, a lesson for all you cheatin' golfers!

 woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.    
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She  is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called....  really? ...  that's wonderful ... I'm so happy for you ... that sounds terrific ... great! ... Thanks.    Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
 "Oh", she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. 

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a  speeder!"  

So  he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and  three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.  

The driver,  obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing  exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"  

"Ma'am," the  officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the  speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."  

"Slower than the speed  limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two kilometers an  hour!",the  old lady says a bit proudly.   

The Police officer, trying  to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the  speed limit.  

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer  for pointing out her error.  

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to  ask....Is everyone in this car OK?  These  women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."  

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just  got off Highway 189."




Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

Passenger :  What is your name?

Hostess   :  Angela Benz, Sir!

Passenger : Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess   : Yes Sir

    (short pause)

Passenger  : How?

Hostess   : Same price!


Les Dawson

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’

I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’

Les   Dawson   (1931-1993)

   Picture: Stephen Shepherd


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