Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 28.4.14

By Davidduff

I went rooting about in the bottom of my In-box this morning and found one or two 'Funnies' with cobwebs on them!  I assume that because they are still there I have not posted them previously and, as JK always reminds me, I simply can't be arsed to go hunting through my archives to find out.  Anyway, new or old, better or worse, here you go:

 An Arkansas pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and
one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."

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The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer  a visit in his lavish office.


The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So..if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

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