You're lucky to get these because I'm on an 'away day' today so I am short of time. Still, I know how much you poor wage-slaves need by way of humor as you face another week at the coal-face:
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
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Bob was about to marry Caroline when his father took him to one side. 'When I married your mother the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Caroline paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Bob.
'Exactly,' replied Caroline. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will!'
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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'
George Carlin (1937-2008)
Picture: AP
