A beautiful sunny if crisp Monday morning so I'm sure you wage-slaves don't need cheering up because on a day like today there is nowhere you would rather be than in your office! Even so, you know how I like to help, so I'll start with a political one specially for my regular commenter, 'Jimmy Glesga':
If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (FUK).
In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, The Government have now begun to campaign with the slogan “Vote NO, for FUK’s sake”
They feel that Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.
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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you something, lady – I wasn't staring at you like you think; That would not be proper where I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at me, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her...
"Well, Ma'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself, 'Where in the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?
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In Australia, the kerbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the
wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit
of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets
out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I
mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers
in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
There, that's cheered you all up, hasn't it? Sorry, did you say something . . . ?
