Before I ruin your week, ooops, sorry, I mean cheer you up on a miserable Monday, I thought you would like to know that what passes for 'normal service', here at D&N, will resume now that sundry jollifications are over for the next fifty years!
A Good News/Bad News story:
The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."
The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."
The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.""
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful,"" replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral is on Sunday...
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And now a brief selection of one-liners:
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
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Right, that's enough humour, get back to work!
