Yes, I know, sorry, sorry, sorry but I was on weekend duties under strict orders from 'she who must be obeyed' because we had a visit from 'SoD & Partner' - so don't blame me, blame him! Anyway, I am throwing in an extra Funny for you by way of apology for my absence!
There are two statues in a park.
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wanted to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I’ll hold the
pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'.........
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Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
"The Isis group," she says.
"Why them," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."
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A blonde desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......
"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
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It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A visiting New Zealander asked the old man what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the Kiwi, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the Kiwi asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth.'
I'll be back later when I've finished reading the papers!
