By the way, just to cheer you up (before my 'Funnies' depress you!) this is the first day of Spring. Well, yes, strictly speaking it's still Winter but yesterday was the solstice so as far as I am concerned 'Spring has sprung - hurrah!'
Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge 'heart' designed out of flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the 'heart' opened and the casket rolled inside. The 'heart' then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.'
The vicar fainted.
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A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers
Walking through the shopping center the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewelry shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: “Yes, I remember that jewelry shop..."
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to that."
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I went to my first Muslim birthday party today!
Musical chairs was a bit slow... but fuck me, pass the parcel was fast!
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I pointed to two scruffy old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,
"That'll be us in ten years."
Me mate said, "That's a mirror, you fuckwit."
To which, one can only mutter a wee bit from 'ur Rabbie Burns':
And would some Power the small gift give us. To see ourselves as others see us!
