Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies; 20.4.15

By Davidduff

More glorious global warming today, my little wage slaves, so I'm in for a really hard day on the lounger on the patio ... sorry, did you say something?  Anyway, a joke or three to cheer you up:


One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.  With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"



Gianni Poggio, an elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

The priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."
The  priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.  She started to  repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for
your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father.  That's a great load off my  mind.  I do have one more question."
"And what is that?"  asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''



Some deeply offensive one-liners:


1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. 
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself
next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40. 
4. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".  And with tears streaming down Tom's face he swore he'd never visit another Thai brothel!
5. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle-aged couple from Weymouth.
6. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled
LSD?'  Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the



And finally, courtesy of The Telegraph, some one-liners from the late, great Spike Milligan, a man who, I think, taught me how to laugh!:


Anniversary of Spike Milligan's birthday: 20 of his funniest quotes


"I'm a hero with coward's legs"

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven" 

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected"

"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion"


That's your lot - back to work!


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