Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 1.9.14

By Davidduff

Once againg I do my best to raise output figures by cheering up you wage slaves on a Monday morning.  No, don't thank me, just the usual 'readies' in a plain brown envelope!


A guy walks into a crowed bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 calibre pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yells, "I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife?" 

A voice from the back of the room calls out... 

"You'll need more ammo!"



Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess: 

Business Man: What is your name?  

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir! 

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz? 

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close. 

Business Man: How close? 

Hostess: Same price! 



Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near. His nurse, his
wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she
says , "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard working man
to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property?  The arsehole delivers newspapers!



 We had a power outage at our place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,  DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut  down. 
Then  I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was  raining outside, so I couldn't play golf or even do yard  work.
I  went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this  also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She  seems like a nice person.


Right, that's it, back to work  . . .

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