Hey-ho, it's Monday morning again and you poor wage-slaves face another week at the coal-face. So here, from an old retiree with bugger-all else to do all day, are a few 'Funnies' to get you started.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND...................
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs. Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that, I thought you were sitting on the cat "
He never even heard the gunshot!
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A blond has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probably be 5 pounds lighter."
The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds.
"That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?"
The blond nods, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked her doctor.
"No, silly, from the skipping!"
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A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come
home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . .. .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark
gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection
generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket
seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…………….
at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir......We’ll find your car.
Y'all have a good day, y'hear! (I say, how's my accent coming along?)
