I'm composing this on Sunday because I'm off on Monday but I know there will be suicides all over the nation if you don't get your weekly diet of Monday Funnies to start the week! First a couple of 'Oirish' jokes left over from last week:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, “Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church and enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there, silent.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man--God--he's really the
strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall!
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've
represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history
of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go fuck
himself."
Well, we've had an 'Oirishman' and an Englishman j0ke so we had better finish with a Scotsman joke or my e-pal Jimmy will complain:
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,
'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!'
Back on Tuesday!
