Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 15.9.14

By Davidduff

This first one is not intended in any way to influence the outcome of the pending referendum:

A  Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new  restaurant.

"Did  you smell that food?" she asked, "It's incredible!"

Being  a kind-hearted  Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck ... I'll treat  her!"
So, they walked past it  again..

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This is one for all you petrol heads - and sex maniacs!

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand --
He said I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic  bumper."
Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"  

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Another Jock one which might well effect the referendum: 

If Scotland gains its independence as a result of the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the UK will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (FUK). 

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting "yes" the English government has begun a campaign with the slogan "Vote NO for FUK's sake." 

They feel that Scottish voters will warm to this.

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And finally, from 100 funny jokes by 100 different comedians, courtesy of The Telegraph, here is the first from the late and very great Sid Caesar:

 

Your Monday Funnies: 15.9.14

 

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius." 

Sid Caesar (1922-2014)

Picture: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

 


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