Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 15.9.14

By Davidduff

This first one is not intended in any way to influence the outcome of the pending referendum:

A  Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new  restaurant.

"Did  you smell that food?" she asked, "It's incredible!"

Being  a kind-hearted  Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck ... I'll treat  her!"
So, they walked past it  again..


This is one for all you petrol heads - and sex maniacs!

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand --
He said I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic  bumper."
Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"  


Another Jock one which might well effect the referendum: 

If Scotland gains its independence as a result of the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the UK will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (FUK). 

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting "yes" the English government has begun a campaign with the slogan "Vote NO for FUK's sake." 

They feel that Scottish voters will warm to this.


And finally, from 100 funny jokes by 100 different comedians, courtesy of The Telegraph, here is the first from the late and very great Sid Caesar:


Your Monday Funnies: 15.9.14


"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius." 

Sid Caesar (1922-2014)

Picture: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images


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