Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 13.4.15

By Davidduff

Well, 'over here' we don't need cheering up because we are all enjoying - at last! - some glorious global warming but even so it is Monday morning and you wage-slaves are a miserable lot on a Monday.  So let me bring you some morning cheer, first with an Irish joke:

 

  • "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"  

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

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• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.  I can't break her of it.  

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?  

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .

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• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.  The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." 

 "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money

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• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"  

 

 "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

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Oooops, another 'Oirish' one:

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Oh, no, another 'Oirish' one, sorry, sorry! 

 

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to  the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!  
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,Ireland's finest.  He wouldn't even smell it. 
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

 

Right that's it!  Oi've started speakin' in an 'Oirish' accent now and enough is enough - get on with your work!

 


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