I depart 'this Septic Isle' tomorrow afternoon so this is your last 'Monday Funnies' until the 2nd June but I don't want any crying and wailing, just grit your teeth and face up to the weeks ahead of unremitting gloom and remember at all times - "I shall return!" As a boon, and in order to clear a mounting backlog, I have given you all a few extra 'Funnies' today:
A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, ah hav'nae found Jesus.'
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, ah havnae found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied, "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind, thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
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Alan had two of the best tickets for the Footy Grand Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Footy Grand Final, the biggest sporting event of the Aussie football world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife Wendy was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head,"No," he said, "They're all at the funeral."
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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied... "The balcony."
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Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through
a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off
the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ....."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his
biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the
hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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