Humor Magazine

Your Mondaay Funnies: 7.7.14

By Davidduff

First of all, apologies in advance if I inadvertantly publish any of these 'funnies' twice over.  My 'Inbox' is a mess and requires a really good Spring clean but, hey, it's Summer now so it will have to wait!  Incidentally, I don't know what Tasmanians have done to incur the scorn of the rest of Oz!

Two Tasmanians were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The second Tasmanian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even." 



A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan.  All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.  My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman !
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion !  You drive a $250,000 Ferrari !
You get $2,000 a week allowance !  You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away . . .
 . . . over 45 cents !!!!?"


Some one-liners, all in the worst possible taste, I'm delighted to say:


A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think   1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Right, that's your lot, back to work, it's nearly ten o'clock and the boss will be in!


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