You don't really deserve any today because I don't suppose any of you are at the 'coalface', instead you're all lying in bed and brooding on how much Christmas cost! Well, except for 'Pops' who's already been on the 'Comments' nagging me for Monday Funnies! Still, I'm a generous-hearted man and besides there's a few 'golden oldies' which seem to have slipped down to the bottom of my Joke Bin. If I have already told them, well, sorry and all that but I put my memory down somewhere and I can't remember where!
A man walked into his bedroom and saw his wife packing a suitcase.
He asked, 'What are you doing?'
She answered, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walked into the bedroom and saw her husband packing his suitcase.
She asked him where he was going. His reply: 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.'
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The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!
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Arriving in Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the swine clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm bollock naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
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