You really don't deserve any 'funnies' today because instead of slaving away at the coalface you're all lounging about at home. On the other hand, in the finest tradition of British Bank Holiday Mondays, it's pouring with rain and no doubt the wife is moaning because instead of going out she now has to cook lunch at home, the kids are grizzling because they were promised a trip to the seaside - and the dog is due for a walk! So in my usual good-hearted way I take pity on you and here's some stinkers good jokes to cheer you up:
Two Irish women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
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On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
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When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters 'PNEIS' and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today,while the rest of us are sending jokes via email....
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Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too.”
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And an extra one because it's raining today:
Exercise for over 50s:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Have a good day - and don't forget your 'wellies'!
