• Maid (or matron, if married) of honor: Head cheerleader, sounding board, therapist, saint, gofer (on occasion), and actress, pretending to care about the marital minutiae as much as the bride does. May serve as a fashion consultant for the bride’s and attendants’ garb and as the schoolmarm, keeping other attendants in line. Responsible for subtly and gracefully getting the word out as to where the couple is registered. Sees to it that the bride is properly corseted, zipped, buttoned, powdered, and primped on her wedding day. May throw a wedding shower and/or dream up a special group gift for the bride (in addition to her own gift to the couple). May also spearhead the bachelorette party.
It used to be that if you had both a maid and a matron of honor, the maid took precedence, standing closer to you at the altar and handling more responsibilities. Now, however, if you have both, they may split up the job. For example, one may hold your bouquet, the other the ring.
Remember that not every married woman loves the connotations of the word matron. Many brides have dubbed their honor attendants “best woman” or “best person.” Which brings us to another point: The person who stands up for you doesn’t have to be the same sex as you. If you’re a bride whose best friend is a guy, make him your best person. Likewise, if you’re a groom whose best pal is a woman, appoint her to the job.
• Best man: A master at strong yet subtle emotional support because most men aren’t skilled at asking for it. Telepathy is a good quality. So is punctuality: If the groom arrives late with a crooked tie, the best man takes the heat. Arranges the bachelor party. Selects a gift for the groom from all the ushers. (Also buys his own gift for the couple.) Oversees the ushers if there’s no head usher, making sure they’re appropriately dressed as well as gentlemanly. Holds the bride’s ring at the ceremony. Quietly slips the fee into the clergyman’s hand after the ceremony. Signs the marriage license as a witness. Makes a stirring toast at the reception.
• Bridesmaid: Is the epitome of charm at wedding and prewedding events. May collaborate with the maid of honor and other bridesmaids in planning a shower and/or bachelorette party. Should make all complaints about the dress and its cost before purchase. May not apply lipstick at the altar. In theory, is on call for anything the bride needs, particularly in the realm of emotional support. In reality, may be too far out of the loop to be effective.
• Groomsman or usher: In most parts of the U.S., the terms are interchangeable. Acts jovial and comedic but not raunchy at the bachelor party. Takes ushering duties seriously enough to refrain from downing scotches until after the photographs. Possesses a photographic memory, able to match names, or at least ceremony seat assignments, with faces he’s met only once before. A human compass, escorting guests to their seats and directing them to parking lots, bathrooms, dining rooms, and so on. A good ratio is one usher per 50 guests. Two ushers unfurl the runner down the aisle right before the ceremony begins. In many areas, ushers and groomsmen have distinctly different roles. Ushers arrive 45 minutes before the ceremony, assist in seating guests, and then sit down before the ceremony begins. Groomsmen stay with the groom, much as the bridesmaids traditionally stay with the bride, and make their entrance as they walk down the aisle and take their places at the front of the ceremony.
• Flower girl: Looks adorable. Old enough to make it to the end of the aisle without Mommy or Daddy on their knees pleading in a stage whisper for her to keep moving. Chosen because the couple is inordinately fond of her and/or her parents, not because she looks like a model. Scatters petals or carries a basket, tussy mussy, or wreath. Smiles sweetly all the way.
• Ring bearer: This role traditionally goes to an adorable young boy. Like the flower girl, must look precious but be mature enough to complete his journey down the aisle without bursting into tears or taking a detour in midprocession. Carries a pillow with rings (usually fake) tied on. Looks adorable in short pants with white socks and shoes, but can also wear long pants that coordinate with (but not look like a doll-sized version of) the groomsmen’s attire.
• Junior bridesmaids and ushers: The default category for youngsters (meaning anywhere between 7 and 15) who are no longer cute enough to serve as flower girls and ring bearers but not yet grown-up enough to be full-fledged attendants. Like their adult counterparts, they walk down the aisle and act charming. However, girls wear dresses that are similar to but less sophisticated than those of older bridesmaids, and boys wear tuxedos or suits.
