I mean, apart from being fairly handsome, moving in show biz circles and having loadsa' money, that is. I have touched on this subject before but the fact that he has been accused of 'sexually assaulting' eleven teen-age girls in his youth and absolutely no-one has accused me is, frankly, rather hurtful! I mean, dammit, I did my best, or at least, I think I did but frequently I was unable to recall some of all of the details the next morning so there is no chance now. Alas, a steady intake of Black 'n' Tans (Guiness and Bitter mixed) played tricks with my memory. Mind you, I doubt that my feeble fumblings actually amounted to 'sexual assault' and anyway most of the strapping German and Scandinavian au pair girls upon whom I inflicted myself were actually fitter than me! I do remember - and in retrospect I wish I could forget - one occasion with a fairly hefty German girl with whom I canoodled on a park bench after an evening in the pub - oh yes, I knew how to show a girl a good time, always the Saloon Bar, never the Public! Anyway, into the park we staggered strolled and sitting upon this flat bench with no back I began to, er, rummage, shall we say. I distinctly remember, despite my efforts to erase it from my memory banks, repeating over and over the only word of German that floated into my hazy brain - gemütlich! I kept kissing her and nibbling her ear lobes and repeating in what I thought was a deeply romantic tone, " Gemütlich! Gemütlich!" Well, it could have been worse, the only other German word which I learned from those old WWII British films about escapes from Stalagluft whatever was "Schnell!" and I dread to think what effect that might have had. Anyway, on and on I went, whispering 'gemütlich' with increasing fervour until - she let me go! Up to that point I hadn't realised that she had actually been supporting me on this park bench and when she let go I toppled slowly backwards and landed on the grass. She smiled sweetly and before strolling off taught me another German phrase, "Auf Wiedersehen".
I wonder if I could sue?
